Better Know A Nobody
by Nari Crow
Summary: Stephen Colbert launches a new series, based on Organization XIII. But will interviewing the mentally unbalanced Organization be too much for him?
1. Xemnas

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, KH Chain of Memories, or KH2. I do own my OCs, even though they aren't in this fic, or even on FFN yet.

A/N: This is probably going to suck, but I thought I should at least get the first chapter up. The first chapter is Xemnas, but I'm not going in any particular order. Also, I apologize if it's not that funny; I didn't know what to do for Xemnas, really.

Demyx: Yay! You're writing about us.

Crow: Yes. Yes I am. Don't let it get to your head.

Also, don't read this if you actually like President George W. Bush.

Well, I think I've rambled on pointlessly for long enough now. Here's the fic, however horrible I think it is.

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Better Know a Nobody

Stephen Colbert held up his hands, stopping the applause. "I was reading the newspaper the other day," he began, "and I was _this_." He held up an advertisement for Kingdom Hearts II. How it got into the newspaper, we'll never know. "And I started thinking, what makes this one so much better than the first one, to make the front page? So, I've decided to launch a new, 13-part series, Better Know a Nobody. Please help me welcome . . . Xemnas!"

Colbert ran over as red, white, and blue lights played over the set. The crowd cheered as Colbert bowed. Then he sat down across from Xemnas, whose white hair and orange eyes made him stand out even more. Colbert leaned over and shook his hand. "Great to have you here, Xemnas," said Colbert.

"Thanks . . .," Xemnas said slowly, regretting that he had let the other Organization members talk him into this. Of course, it was this or be mauled by Larxene, which was not a pleasant thought. Or worse, be locked in a closet with Marluxia . . . or _Vexen_. He shuddered.

"Now," Colbert began, "I understand that you are the leader of this Organization, right?"

"Yes, I am number I," Xemnas confirmed.

"So what exactly do you do?"

"I . . . lead," Xemnas said, unsure of what Colbert meant. "I plot for a way to get our hearts back through Kingdom Hearts, and make sure that Axel doesn't set the castle on fire. I also have to make sure that Saix doesn't kill anyone."

"I see. So you don't have hearts?" Colbert said, baffled. "Would that have something to do with your multiple personality disorder?"

"My _what_?" Xemnas demanded, thrown off by the unexpected question.

"Your personality disorder," Colbert repeated. "I mean, you have so many different names. Ansem, Xehanort, Xemnas. Obviously you're schizophrenic."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Xemnas spluttered. "But I'll explain it for you. First, I was Xehanort, apprentice to Ansem the Wise. Then, I abandoned my name and became Ansem when I lost myself to darkness. Then, I became a Nobody, and I called myself Xemnas."

"Sounds like the reasoning of a madman to me," Colbert said. "I see this is uncomfortable for you, let's move on," he added before Xemnas could protest.

"Now, you say you're from the World That Never Was?" Colbert asked, and Xemnas nodded. "I have to say, what sort of dumb bleep name is that? Do you have patented Napkins That Should Not Be? Or maybe the Entertainment System That's Too Good To Actually Exist."

"Are you mocking me?" Xemnas asked, and his eyes seemed to glow.

"Of course not," Colbert assured him. "Look, I'm sure you're a great leader and all, but our President, George W. Bush, is better. Look at what he's done! So far, he has: Won his election fair and square (image of Florida), helped a country to gain independence and democracy (image of the war in Iraq), and provided instant support to New Orleans (image of New Orleans still flooded with hundreds homeless)! How can you top that?"

"Hmm, where is this President of yours?" Xemnas mused.

"The White House in Washington, D.C. Why?"

"If you will excuse me for a moment," Xemnas said abruptly, avoiding the question. He stood up and disappeared in a portal.

"Well, that doesn't sound good," Colbert said. "It's a good thing I put a camera on Xemnas before the show! Jimmy, can you put that up on the screen?"

An image showed up on the screen. It was the White House. It got closer and closer. "Hmm, so this is the White House," said Xemnas's voice from above the camera.

Security guards appeared in the camera's field of vision. "Pah, fools," Xemnas sneered, destroying them with a wave of his hand. (A/N: I'm sorry if this is inaccurate; I haven't fought Xemnas yet!) He quickly made his way into the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office, only after having terrified a visiting group of 3rd graders and been welcomed as one of their own with a group of visiting Goths.

"Hmph," Xemnas sniffed. "I don't see what's so great about you." He sounded miffed as the hidden camera focused on George W. Bush.

"Security!" Bush shouted.

"OH, you mean those really annoying men in uniforms that kept on tripping over each other's feet?" Xemnas's hand came into view as he waved it dismissively. "They were easy to destroy."

"Who do you think you are?" Bush demanded, standing up and smacking his hands on the desk.

"I can't believe _you're_ the President," Xemnas said, ignoring him. "Now, what to do to you? I can't leave you unscathed if you're making people question my leadership." He snapped his fingers. "Ah, that's it!" he exclaimed. There was a flash of darkness, and the camera fizzled out.

"Well!" Colbert exclaimed, leaning back. "I hope the President isn't dead." He looks at the audience. "I guess this means the interview is over, eh? Jimmy, put old Xemmy up on the board!"

A dark board is brought out, and thirteen dark figures are randomly grouped together on it. The figure in front lights up, showing Xemnas.

"Well, I guess that's it for tonight! As for me, I've got to go email the President!" Colbert waved his arms around, and the audience cheered.

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Don't worry, I'll explain what happened to the President in the next chapter, before whoever comes next. Please review! I need to know if this sucked or not. And I know it's short, but I wanted to get this up before tomorrow.


	2. Saix

A/N: Crow: Finally! Kingdom Hearts is MINE!

-Organization XIII appears-

Xemnas: She has Kingdom Hearts! Get her!

Crow: Aiiee! -ducks- Don't kill me! Fine, fine! You can have Kingdom Hearts!

Xemnas: Victory!

-Sora appears-

Sora: What did you do?

Crow: I gave Organization XIII Kingdom Hearts. Why?

Sora: . . .

Crow: Well, since Sora is in a state of shock, I suppose I should stop kidding around and do the disclaimer. Or have Saix do it for me, since he's next.

Saix: Nari Crow does not own Kingdom Hearts. We do! Yay!

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Blaring patriotic music played, and The Colbert Report was on. "Yes, yes," he said as the audience cheered. "I know. But, onto more pressing matters.

"Now, Nation," Colbert began. "I have sad news. As you know, yesterday I interviewed Xemnas of Organization XIII, the schizophrenic leader. Well, I emailed the President, but this morning in the news, I got my answer. Prepare to be shocked, Nation. Look at this!" He pointed dramatically to a screen, which showed a news station report.

"Yes, tragic news," said a female reporter. "Just yesterday, White House security came into the Oval Office and found, where President Bush had once been, now stood this." A tape of the Oval Office is shown, and sitting in President Bush's chair is . . . a mulberry bush. "We went to the streets, to find out what people were thinking. Here is what some of them had to say."

The camera changes to a street view, in front of a hot dog vendor. A tall, thin man is standing there, talking into the mike. "Yeah, uh," the guy drawls in a Southern accent, scratching his chin. "I think that President Bush got what he deserved. He gives us Texans a bad name."

The view changes to another street view, and a man with long, spiky red hair and shocking green eyes is talking. He's wearing an Organization robe. "I –aha," the man laughs. "I think Xemnas did a GREAT job! That was some mighty fine handiwork, if I do say so myself. But he should have set the White House on fire, in my opinion."

A young woman, maybe about fifteen, comes on next. "Well, I think it's going to be interesting to see whether they put Cheney in office or not," the girl remarked. "And if they do inaugurate Cheney, I want to know what he's going to do about Iraq. Anyway, I'm just glad I'm not part of the security. They're probably in deep caca-loo right now." The girl laughed.

Then a balding, plump man came on, and all he said was, "A tragedy. It's a cryin' shame."

Colbert comes back on. "That's right!" he said, shaking a pen at the camera. "A tragedy!" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Xemnas, but I'm going to have to make you dead to me! Bring out the board!"

The "Dead To Me" board is wheeled out. Colbert rifles through his files. "Let's see, Xemnas, Xemnas . . . ah, here it is!" He looks at the board. "Hmm, I guess I'll take off CNN en Espanol and put it back on notice." He slid out the CNN sheet and slid in Xemnas. "I'm sorry, Xemnas, but you're now officially dead to me! As for CNN en Espanol, you have another chance. Andale!

"In a related story, President Mulberry Bush has made it illegal for children to, quote, 'Dance Around the Mulberry Bush.' Apparently this was caused by poor President Mulberry Bush being mauled by several children when he went to a local school." The image of a mulberry bush being stomped on by several elementary school children flashed on the screen.

He wheeled around, and the camera switches focus. "Now, onto more pressing matters. Nation, the new 13-part series, Better Know A Nobody, has become a big hit. So, I've decided to interview my next Organization XIII member early! Please help me welcome . . . Saix!"

The annoying red, white, and blue lights flash as Colbert runs over to Saix. "Great to have you here, Mr. Saix," Colbert says, holding out his hand. Saix does not shake it, but just sits there, glaring at Colbert with a twitch in one eye.

"Riiight," Colbert drawled, sitting down. "So, Saix. You're the seventh member of Organization XIII, correct?"

Saix glared at Colbert a little while longer. ". . . Yes," he finally said, looking as if he was restraining himself.

"But you're considered the second in command?" queried Colbert, leaning back.

"That's right," Saix said, relaxing a little.

"Now, tell me," Colbert began, "you all have nicknames that describe who you are, correct?" Saix nodded. "Could you tell me what yours is, and why it is that name?"

Saix shrugged. "I suppose," he said grudgingly. "Mine is the Luna Diviner. I'm called that because I have a deep respect for the moon and its powers, and know how to interpret signs the moon gives us."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute." Colbert leaned forward and tapped his finger on the desk. "You're saying . . . that the moon is like God?" he jabbed his finger every few words.

Saix tilted his head, considering. "You could say that," he finally admitted, "depending on what god you believe in."

Colbert drew back in shock. "How dare you?" he screeched. "God is the only god there is, and he is the God of America! How un-American of you, to just…" He carried on for quite a while, ranting and railing on Saix for not believing in God. He even went so far as to insult the moon. "How can you think more of the moon?" he demanded. "The moon is just a gigantic space rock, it-," he was cut off as he looked at Saix and realized something was wrong.

Saix's eyes had widened, and his pupils had shrunk until they were almost nonexistent. He let out an unearthly roar, and he stood up, summoning his Claymore. Colbert shrank back, and dove out of his seat, running around the set like a madman. Saix chased after him, swinging his Claymore. At one point, he hit an important wire in the set. A loud beeping noise emitted from the injured wire, and on all of the screens on the set, as well as the screens at home, the message "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please wait" appeared.

For a long time, the loud, droning beep continued. Over the annoying noise you could hear the audience screaming. Suddenly the beeping stopped, but the screen remained blank. Colbert was heard shouting, and Saix's roar came again. Then Colbert cursed, and the sound of a body falling on the ground was heard. Saix let out a triumphant sound. Suddenly, there was a loud ripping noise, like a portal opening.

"Saix!" a sharp voice barked. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Scuffling could be heard as the voice wrestled with Saix, moving his weapon away from the hapless host. At that moment, the screens blinked back into life, and we could see what was happening.

Colbert had tripped, and was lying on the ground, his hands up in the air to shield himself. Saix was standing over him, trying to wrestle back his Claymore from another cloaked person.

The Organization member had long, grayish hair. His face was scarred, and an eye patch covered one eye. "Saix," Xigbar growled. "The Superior told you to keep your cool!"

Slowly, Saix came to his senses. He blinked. "Sorry," he muttered to Xigbar. He snatched his weapon out of the Freeshooter's hands, and disappeared in a portal.

Xigbar held his hand out to Colbert. "Sorry about that," he apologized as he hauled Colbert to his feet. "Saix is sensitive, and he loses his cool sometimes."

"That's all right," Colbert panted, straightening his suit.

"What did you do?" Xigbar asked curiously.

"I insulted the moon," Colbert muttered, feeling a bit guilty.

Xigbar's eye widened. "You're lucky to be alive, Mister Colbert," he said seriously. "Saix kills anyone who ever even thinks about insulting his precious moon." He looked like he was going to say more, but the sound of a cell phone going off interrupted him.

Xigbar pulled out his phone and answered it. "Hello?" he asked. He listened to the message, his expression clouding. "Well, _hell_," he growled. "Can't Xaldin take care of it?" He listened to someone babbling on the other end. "Oh, my God. I'll be right over." He hung up, and turned apologetically to Colbert. "Look, I've got to go. That was Demyx; he, Axel, and Roxas managed to blow up Vexen's explosion-proof lab. He went in a rage and started chasing them, shouting about all the work they've destroyed. Apparently he knocked Xaldin out while he was chasing them, and everyone else is too afraid to try and stop Vexen, except for the Superior and Saix. Neither one will do it, so it's up to me." Xigbar shuddered. "Vexen's _scary_ when he gets angry, man. I've got to go help out the poor pranksters."

"No problem," Colbert replied. "I'll see you later."

Xigbar nodded, looking pale at the thought of having to face a furious Vexen. He summoned a portal and stepped through it with his gun arrows out.

"Well, I'll have to remember to thank him later for saving my life," Colbert said, sitting in his desk. "Go ahead and put Saix on the board, Jimmy." The board was pulled out, and a figure just behind Xemnas lit up. They had gotten the murderous look on Saix just right.

"That's it for tonight, Nation. I've got to go cower behind my desk. Good night!" he waved his arms, and the audience cheered wildly, glad that the crazy blue-haired murderer was gone.

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Crow: Did it suck, did it rock, did it run circles around your head? Let me know!

Xemnas: Hey! You gave us the wrong Kingdom Hearts!

Crow: -looks at Kingdom Hearts- Oh, no, that's it. You've just gotta flip the disk over, then you can open Kingdom Hearts.

Sora: You're . . . telling Xemnas how to open Kingdom Hearts . . .

Riku: I thought you needed the Princesses of the Heart or Sora or something like that to open Kingdom Hearts?

Crow: -sniffs- That was a long time ago. Kingdom Hearts has entered the 21st century, all you need is -taps disk- this here disk, and you can unlock it.

Sora: Well, that simplifies things. -snaps disk in half-

Xemnas: No! Kingdom Heartssss!


	3. Roxas

A/N: Crow: Hello, everyone! School has begun once again, but I shall prevail! Anyway, here's the next chapter.

Demyx: When am I going on?

Crow: Whenever I feel like it.

-Saix appears-

Saix: I'm going to KILL you!

Crow: Uh oh. You read ahead, didn't'cha?

Saix: Uh-huh.

Demyx: A word of advice for you? Run.

Crow: Gee, thanks. Aah! -runs away-

Demyx: -shrugs- I'll do the disclaimer, then, since Crow is currently fleeing for her life.

Disclaimer: Crow does not own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters. She has never owned them and never will, so get off her back, lawyers!

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Last time: _Xigbar nodded, looking pale at the thought of having to face a furious Vexen. He summoned a portal and stepped through it with his gun arrows out._

"_Well, I'll have to remember to thank him later for saving my life," Colbert said, sitting in his desk. "Go ahead and put Saix on the board, Jimmy." The board was pulled out, and a figure just behind Xemnas lit up. They had gotten the murderous look on Saix just right._

"_That's it for tonight, Nation. I've got to go cower behind my desk. Good night!" he waved his arms, and the audience cheered wildly, glad that the crazy blue-haired murderer was gone._

Chapter Three:

"Welcome; welcome!" Colbert cried. The audience cheered. If one was to look closely, one would notice that the audience was sprinkled with Kingdom Hearts characters. Yet no one around them seemed to notice their cartoonish features. Hmm. Suspicious?

"My 13-part series, Better Know A Nobody," Colbert began, "has raised some issues on the 'Organization.' So I will clear that up once and for all with tonight's, unfortunately, very short Word. It is short because the AUTHORESS of this FIC is a really BAD au-"

He cut off suddenly, holding his throat. Mysterious floating text appeared in the Word box.

_Shut up about my writing skills, Colbert! _said the flowing script. _Or maybe Axel will decide to set your studio on fire. . . . Hmm. You know what, that's not a bad idea! Thanks a bunch, Colbert! Watch your back!_

For no apparent reason, a blossom of fire burst into the air a few inches from his face. Then it disappeared with a cackle.

Colbert stared at the screen. "That's ominous," he said. "Oh, well. Onto the Word!"

The Word appeared in its box, looking rather miffed at the invasion of its privacy. And if the authoress could tell you how letters appear miffed, well, then she would be a very happy person.

"Fiction!" Colbert exclaimed. "Now, Organization XIII, while very good interviewees, are merely fiction, like, say, Darth Vader." An image of Xemnas wearing a Darth Vader mask blares across the Word box. "But the Organization is more complex than that.

"There are thirteen members, most of them men." The word 'Girls' is shown at the top of the Word box, and Larxene and Marluxia are standing beneath it. "They supposedly do not have 'hearts', per say, but they can feel emotions." There is an image of Xemnas and Saix hugging. Saix happens to be in the audience, and he leaps out of his seat, furious.

"Saave me!" Colbert screamed. Two portals appeared, one in front of and one behind Saix. Xigbar leapt out of the one behind him and pushed Saix into the one in front of him.

"Why does this always happen to me?" Colbert wailed, staring up at the ceiling with a hunted look.

Jimmy walked hesitantly onto the set. "It's, um, it's okay, sir," he said awkwardly, patting Colbert with his clipboard.

"I guess," Colbert sighed. He stood there for a few minutes. "You wanna go get a cappuccino?" Colbert asked, snapping his fingers.

"Uh, sir?" Jimmy said. "You have a show to do."

"Oh, yeah. That's right," Colbert said, wincing. He hurried back to his chair as Jimmy scurried off the set.

"Well, I guess that's it for the Word," Colbert said casually, waving away the box which had stubbornly remained throughout the scene. It had also been stubborn in keeping the image of Xemnas and Saix on screen. Now it reluctantly vanished.

"Our guest tonight is the thirteenth member of the Organization," Colbert said smoothly. "Please help me introduce Roxas!"

The audience went wild as Colbert trotted over to the table where Roxas sat. Roxas was wearing his Twilight town clothes, and leaning back in his chair. He looked rather confused about the whole ordeal, and he was scratching his head with his hand. Colbert sat down across from him, holding out his hand to shake. Roxas hesitantly took his hand, shaking it carefully.

"Welcome to the Colbert Report, Roxas!" Colbert said, beaming.

"Um, I don't want to seem rude, but . . . where am I?" Roxas asked, his entire posture screaming, 'I'm confused and have no idea what I'm doing! And I would like some ice cream!' He rubbed his stomach. "Is there any sea salt ice cream?"

"Why, you're at the Colbert Report," Colbert replied, startled. "Where else would you be?"

Roxas shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "But I was in a meeting with the rest of the Organization when Xigbar summoned a portal and shoved my through, saying something like it was my turn and please don't kill Stephen because he had enough work already, whatever that meant."

Colbert laughed nervously. "Yeah, no idea what he meant," he said, crossing his fingers behind his back. "So tell us, Roxas, what's a typical day at the Organization like?"

Roxas laughed. "Well, it's a bit crazy," he admitted. "Every morning, we get woken up by Larxene chasing someone around the Castle. Usually it's Demyx or Axel, but Marluxia and Luxord have been victims occasionally as well. Then there are regular explosions throughout the day as Xigbar does target practice and Axel sets fire to various things. Then in the afternoon, Axel, Demyx, and I get together to pull pranks. Sometimes Zexion will help us out, but he's usually not into that. Then we'll have dinner, and things will settle down a little. Then there are the vacatations to various places; those are really chaotic."

"So, is it troubling, having a leader with a personality disorder?" asked Colbert casually, leaning on one elbow.

"You mean Xemnas?" Roxas asked, confused. "He doesn't really have a disorder. . . . Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?"

"I see," Colbert said. He looked down at his papers. "Sora," he began.

Roxas stiffened, and his eyes lit up angrily. "What was that?" he asked softly, his voice holding a dangerous edge.

"I'm sorry," Colbert apologized. "Um, BHK?" He looked up in puzzlement after reading the name aloud.

Roxas tensed, and stood up. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" he roared.

"Um, um, BHK?" Colbert whimpered. He raised his hands over his head. _Not again. . . ._

Roxas screamed in rage, and summoned his Oathkeeper and Oblivion Keyblades. "I don't care what Xigbar said; I'm NOT standing for this!" he shouted.

The various Kingdom Hearts characters in the audience gasped as Roxas lunged forward, but no one thought to help Colbert. They were all too interested in watching the fight.

After about five minutes of watching Roxas chase Colbert around the table, Larxene, who was in the audience, decided that now would be a good time to call Xigbar. She quickly dialed his number with the specially issued Organization cell phone/walkie talkie she had been given a few months ago. "Hey, Xigbar?" she said when he answered, smirking. "Roxas is over here trying to kill that Colbert guy."

"_What?_" Xigbar's voice crackled over the phone. "_I would have thought that Roxas of all people would be able to handle that crazy Colbert guy._"

Larxene shook her head. "No chance of that," she replied. "That guy went and called Roxas BHK. Poor guy never had a chance."

"_He WHAT?_"Xigbar exclaimed. "_Well, no wonder. I'll be right over. But I don't know how I got conned into this," _he muttered_. "I'm not some sort of babysitter for the guy_." There was a click as Xigbar hung up. Larxene smirked again, putting away her phone.

Five seconds later, a portal appeared on top of the table. Xigbar stepped out, looking harassed. "Can't I leave you alone for two minutes?" he exclaimed, exasperated. He jumped off and grabbed Roxas' wrists. "Easy, kid."

"He called me you-know-what!" Roxas protested, his Keyblades disappearing as he struggled to evade Xigbar's grasp.

"What, BHK?" Colbert called from underneath the table. Roxas roared and began to struggle with renewed energy.

"Now what'd you go and do that for?" Xigbar exclaimed, hassled. He summoned another portal in front of Roxas and let him run straight into it. "Go cool off, kid!" he called.

He turned to Colbert. "Now, Colbert," he began, looking angry. Colbert came up from underneath his desk. "I'm not your babysitter. So please, do some research? Any half-wit knows that Roxas hates being called BHK." He turned away and summoned a portal. "I can't be here to save your skin every time," he said over his shoulder, disappearing.

Colbert stood there, then slowly sat down. He looked at the camera and smiled. "Did you see how I handled that?" he beamed. "One hundred percent in control. I seem to be having bad luck with Organization members, though. Put Roxas up on the board!"

The board lit up, and Roxas was added. He was on the far left, and wore his Organization robe this time.

"I guess that's it for tonight, Nation," Colbert said. "USA! USA!" The lights and music played, and the screen went blank.

At the Castle That Never Was

"So, who goes first?" Axel asked. He, Marluxia, Zexion, Lexaeus, Luxord, Larxene, and Demyx were gathered in a meeting room. Xaldin and Vexen had flat-out refused to go next, so it had been up to them to decide who among them would go next. Xigbar had said he saw enough of Colbert already.

"Why are we doing this, anyway?" Zexion demanded.

Axel shrugged. "Fun way to get revenge on each other and scare the shit outta some guy?" he suggested. "C'mon, let's just get this over with."

Lexaeus held out his huge fist. In it were many straws, one for each of them. Since Lexaeus was the most fair, he was the one who held them. "Draw your straw," he rumbled.

Everyone picked a straw, some cautiously and others (coughDemyxcough) eagerly.

Soon everyone had a straw, and they looked around to see who had the short straw. More and more heads were beginning to turn to . . . Marluxia. "Aw, man!" he exclaimed, throwing the short straw onto the table. "Fine," he grumbled, storming out. Everyone else wiped the sweat off their brow, grateful that they had been temporarily spared.

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Crow: Well, that's it. This was hasty, so feel free to point out mistakes!

Demyx: What about me?

Crow: Sorry, bud. Marluxia was easier, and seems to be more fun.

Marluxia: Oh, that sure makes me feel better.

Crow: -shrugs- Sorry, I go for the easy when I'm in school; I've got enough work already.

Saix: I'll still kill you!

Crow: Oops, gotta go! -runs away, _again_-


	4. Marluxia

A/N: Crow: Hello, all! I apologize for the totally late lateness of my next chapter, but yeah. I've been busy, and we have an exchange student! Woo! She's awesome. And, I finally got a chance to put my OCs in this story! Well, two of them.

Demyx: Where's Marluxia?

Crow: Hmm. Good question. We'd better find him, or we can't do the chapter.

Demyx: I'll go find him! -runs off-

Crow: I'll do the disclaimer as soon as Demyx gets ba-

Demyx: I'm back!

Marluxia: -grumble grumble-

Crow: Okay, good. Onto the chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything remotely related to Kingdom Hearts, or anyone in it.

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Last time: _Soon everyone had a straw, and they looked around to see who had the short straw. More and more heads were beginning to turn to . . . Marluxia. "Aw, man!" he exclaimed, throwing the short straw onto the table. "Fine," he grumbled, storming out. Everyone else wiped the sweat off their brow, grateful that they_ _had been temporarily spared._

Chapter Four

Stephen Colbert was not happy.

His new series, while a big hit, was costing him dearly. So far he had been chased around three times, and almost killed.

But he couldn't disappoint his fans. They loved this series, and he had to think of the fans, right? Besides, everyone said this Marluxia person wasn't a very angry person . . .

These were the thoughts running through Colbert's head as he sat down across from the pink-haired Nobody. "Marluxia, is it?" he asked, shaking his hand.

"Yes," Marluxia sighed. "Let's just get this over with, all right?"

The first part of the interview went fairly well, with Marluxia answering questions about the Organization. He, unlike Roxas, had plenty to say about his "schizophrenic" leader. Then he talked about how Larxene was always chasing Axel into his garden and Axel was always setting his garden on fire. That's when things got ugly.

"You have a garden?" Colbert asked disbelievingly.

"Well, yeah," Marluxia said. "I mean, it is my element. Plus, I like to garden."

"Are you insane?" Colbert said. "Real men don't garden!"

Marluxia's eyes flashed. "Please," he scoffed. "That is the most biased thing I've heard all day."

"Are you a girl or something?" Colbert drawled. "Is that why your hair is so pink?"

"I'm not a girl!" Marluxia retorted heatedly. It was one comment that he would not stand for.

"What sort of weapon do you have, a pair of gardening shears?" Colbert pressed, not seeing the rage on Marluxia's face. The audience, already much wiser than Colbert, was leaning back. Some of the more cautious audience members were scrambling back a few rows. One audience member put on a military-issue helmet and ducked behind a pre-built bomb shelter that had been built after Saix had come back a second time. Several people decided to join him, picking up helmets that were lined up next to the shelter.

"Pinky," Colbert taunted, and Marluxia had had enough. Standing up, he toppled the table with one movement. Colbert stood up and backed away, realizing too late that he was in trouble _again_.

Marluxia summoned his scythe, swinging it at Colbert's chair and neatly slicing it in two. "I'll show you pink!" he cried, chasing after Colbert.

"Leave me alone, Mar!" Colbert cried. Marluxia growled and chased after him faster.

Colbert _eep_ed and ran over to hide behind his other desk. Marluxia sliced this in half as well, scattering papers and pens. Colbert ran into the audience, and the members screamed and dove out of the way. Marluxia ignored them all and ran after Colbert, shouting incoherently at the top of his lungs.

Colbert darted over to the now bulging bomb shelter and pounded on the door. "Let me in!" he shouted.

"What's the password?" a tinny voice asked from inside.

"Let me in! Who else will report the truthiness of America?" he cried, running into another section of the audience.

This time, two people didn't run. They were a boy and a girl, both of them with black hair. The girl's eyes glimmered with annoyance, and she reached out an arm and choked Marluxia as he came by.

The boy, slightly shorter than the girl, quickly tackled Marluxia to the ground. "God, you're even worse than 'Song," he told the man cheerfully, pinning him down with his elbows. "Hey, Kit! Could you call someone?"

"Who do you want me to call?" the girl asked in frustration. "Oh, shut up, you!" she snapped to Colbert, who was screaming and pointing at Marluxia. Her eyes flashed green, and she pulled out a cell phone. "This is so not worth what I'm being paid," she grumbled, punching out a rapid series of numbers.

"You aren't being paid," the boy pointed out.

"Exactly."

"_Hello?_" asked the voice on the phone.

"Zexion," Kit said, causing Marluxia to stop struggling.

"You know Zexion?" he asked in disbelief, looking up at her.

She glanced down. "And a few other Organization folk as well. Now hush." Marluxia began struggling again as Colbert got in his face and laughed. Colbert backed away quickly, resuming his screaming and pointing.

"_What is it?_" Zexion demanded irritably on the phone.

"I've got a certain pink-haired friend of yours," Kit said, "and I'd like you to come and take him back."

"_Why should I?_" he demanded sulkily.

"'Cause if you don't, I'll sneak into your library and burn all of your precious books," Kit replied promptly.

"_No!_" There was a click on the phone. Kit put it away smugly.

"Parker, how long can you hold him?" she asked the boy.

"As long as I can," Parker replied pertly, earning himself a smack.

Suddenly a portal opened. Xigbar came through as if he had been shoved, followed by a hassled-looking Zexion. "Don't burn my books!" Zexion insisted.

Xigbar groaned. "Again?" he asked.

Parker stepped carefully off of Marluxia, and Xigbar picked him up. "Go home," Xigbar said wearily. "You can talk to Namine when Roxas is done."

Kit looked questioningly at Zexion. "We're using her as a therapist for those who've been on here," he said in answer to her unspoken question.

"Who's this?" Xigbar asked, noticing the two for the first time. Colbert sauntered up.

"This is Kit and her friend Parker," Zexion said.

"We met on some weird world-that's-not-a-world-but-a-dimension-thing place," Kit said in one breath.

"Nice to see you again," Colbert said to Xigbar. "As you can see, I'm completely in control."

Xigbar snorted. "Whatever," he said, disappearing in a portal. Marluxia followed suit, after a half-hearted swipe at Colbert. Colbert ducked, and Marluxia vanished.

"Say hi to Vexen, Larxene, and Xaldin for me!" Kit called after Zexion as he, too, vanished.

Parker dusted his hands on his pants. "We'd better get going," he remarked. "Ravensong said she found this totally cool remote that lets you travel more easily between the dimensions."

"Between the dimensions?" Kit cried excitedly. "What're we still doing here, c'mon!" She grabbed his hand and they ran out of a door near the back. On the way, Parker brushed against the bomb shelter. It exploded, and every audience member came falling out, landing right in their seats.

Colbert walked slowly up to his ruined desk, and sat down in his chair. "Put Marluxia on the board, Jimmy," he said slowly, seeming in shock. "And please send him the bill for my chair, desk, and anything else destroyed."

Marluxia lit up on the Organization board. Over his head was a red, negative number, showing the amount of money he 'owed' Colbert.

"Good night, Nation," Colbert said, sounding dazed. There was no applause, because the audience was recovering from being stuffed in a bomb shelter and then falling into their chairs. The loud music snapped Colbert out of his trance, and he began shouting and waving his arms and doing general hoopla.

At The Castle That Never Was

"When did you meet those two people?" Xigbar asked. All of the Organization except for those who had been interviewed were inside of a large conference room.

Vexen shrugged. "We were on a mission when they and another girl appeared in a flash of light," he said in a precise tone. "They helped us out of a few tight spots, and disappeared again, saying something about another world in another dimension."

Larxene laughed. "That Kit girl was funny."

Xaldin frowned. "You just say that because she kept on tripping me," he complained. Then he smiled. "It was funny when The Incident happened, though."

Vexen and Larxene laughed. "You've got that right," Larxene said. Zexion glared at the three of them.

"Okay, more important matters await," Luxord interrupted. "Who is going next?"

"Why, thanks for volunteering, Luxord!" Xigbar exclaimed, patting the man on the back. "That solves that problem."

Everyone left, talking and laughing. Luxord remained in the room, his jaw hanging open and his brain numb as he wondered how it had happened so quickly. Then he came to his senses and ran up to his room to write his will. After all, none of the other interviews had turned out well. He didn't want Larxene to steal all of his hard-gambled money, after all.

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Crow: I'm sorry if this sucks, but I think it's not half bad. I had fun with this one. Plus, I'm about to get Utada Hikaru's CD Deep River! –dances around in happiness-

Demyx: Who're Kit and Parker and Ravensong?

Crow: Oh, them. The first two are OC's I've been developing for a while, and I imagine them in lots of genres and stuff. Ravensong is their friend, and they're multi-dimensional travelers and stuff, only they don't know exactly what they're doing or where they're going.

Demyx: Oh. That's cool.

Crow: Anyways, yeah. That's about it. This chapter's not out with a bang, but a whimper. –big explosion- Nevermind.


	5. Luxord

A/N: I'm so sorry this is late! I know it's been a while-

Demyx: Yeah it has!

Crow: You hush up! Anyways, I apologize for this being late. But, finally, it's Luxord's turn.

Luxord: I'd hoped you would have forgotten about that.

Crow: Not a chance.

Disclaimer: I do not own Organization XIII, Kingdom Hearts I, Chain of Memories, or II, and never will.

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Stephen Colbert was not an emotional man. _Crying's for girls_, he'd always told himself. But he was close to being pushed over the edge.

It was the Organization. They had repeatedly attacked him during interviews. With little respect for his prominence, he might add! Still, Stephen Colbert never left a job unfinished, so he would go through with this. If he was lucky, he could make it out with his sanity and dignity intact.

"Well, nation," he began as the time came to interview the next Organization member, "you've all been with me at these past few interviews of my thirteen-part series, Better Know A Nobody."

The audience nodded, clapped, and cringed. There were now bomb shelters placed sporatically around the studio, and plastered all over the walls were posters of Saix's facae, saying, "Have you seen this elf?" and "No pointy-eared, murderous, blue-haired, pshychotic elves allowed" in large bold letters. Actually, the second message was so large that it actually covered most of Saix's face.

"I'd like to thank you all for your support," Colbert continued. "So you all win . . . a free car!" The audience cheered wildly. "Actually, we didn't have the money to get every one of you a car, so I rewarded you by rewarding me. Take a look at my new Mercedes!" The audience booed while a sleek car appeared next to Colbert's head. "Oh, come on, people!" he cried. "I'm not Oprah!"

The audience chuckled slightly, but some of the audience members were still grumbling. "I'm proud to say that our next guest is mildly saner than the others," Colbert said. "Help me to welcome . . . Luxord!"

The red, white, and blue lights all flashed, and the audience cheered hesitantly, glad that this Luxord was _supposed _to be saner than the others. But some of them had the common sense to realize that with Colbert's jabbing remarks, and the Organization member's low tolerance for insults, this Luxord guy would probably do something horrible.

Luxord was sitting at the desk, and shook Colbert's hand easily enough, smiling as Colbert sat down. "Luxord, right?" Colbert asked.

"That's me," Luxord replied.

"Now, let's get down to business," Colbert started. "You are the tenth member of the Organization. How does it feel to be one of the less important members?"

Luxord shrugged and frowned. "I like to think we're all the same, really," he said, his accent thickening out of distaste. "Just because I'm not as battle-inclined as some of the other members doesn't mean I'm unimportant."

"I see," Colbert said. "Now, your power has to do with cards and dice, right?"

Luxord nodded. "And the power of chance."

"So is it safe to assume that you gamble?"

Luxord smiled slightly. "It is." He actually gambled quite a bit, and had cheated more than a few times.

"Sir, have you ever tried to quit?" Colbert asked seriously.

"No," Luxord replied, startled.

"Do you think you could?"

"Why would I ever want to?" asked Luxord, bemused.

Colbert pulled a piece of paper from under the table and put it on the desk, sliding it over to Luxord. "I think you'd like to fill this out," he said quietly.

Luxord looked at the paper, picking it up. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's a form for you to fill out," Colbert explained. "We can get you help."

"Help for what?" Luxord asked, still not getting it.

"Your gambling problem, of course," replied Colbert.

"Gambling problem?" Luxord exclaimed, quickly looking at the paper. "Gambler's Annonymous?" He flung the paper down in rage. "I do not have a gambling problem."

"If you say so, sir," Colbert said, avoiding the subject. "Well then, let's talk about something else. Do you have a deck of cards with you?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," Luxord said, pulling out a deck of cards. They seemed very intricate, with silver and gold markings curling around the backs of the card, and the face cards were embossed in a shining material.

"May I see them, sir?" Colbert asked.

"All right, but be careful with them," he said, cautiously handing over the deck. "This is my newest set of cards."

Colbert nodded, looking at the cards. Then he stood up and walked over to his "fireplace," which actually had fire in it today. He tossed the cards in, and the edges curled in the flames.

"My cards!" Luxord wailed in grief and anger, shocked that the man would do such a thing.

An audience member stood up and faced the audience. "Read you pamphlets!" he exclaimed, holding up a pamphlet. Everyone in the audience pulled pamphlets from under their seats and read them. They were titled Ways to Tell if an Organization Member is About to Lose it and Attack Everything in Sight. They flippped to the list. "Look, see!" the audience member said excitedly, pointing to the list of signs. "Screaming and looking at the ceiling in murderous rage! That's the top sign! To the bunkers!!"

Everyone scrambled into the closest bomb shelter, some of them pausing to snatch helmets and the bullet-proof, police-issue, rounded shields that lay next to them. Luxord had summoned his enormous cards, which were spinning around him in fury.

Colbert backed away. "I'm doing this for your own good," he insisted, backing away to his new desk, which had been replaced when Marluxia had cut through the last one.

Luxord narrowed his eyes. "Die!" he hissed, launching explosive dice at the hapless man.

Inside one of the bunkers, several audience members were huddled. One of them, an older man with an annoyed air, picked up a red phone that was on the inside. It only had two buttons, labeled "Call" and "Oh my God, get here ASAP!" He pushed the Oh my God one, and waited for someone to pick up.

"_Hello?_"a voice said through the phone, crackling slightly. "_This is the Castle That Never Was. Who's this?_"

"This is the Colbert audience," the man said. "Who is this? Is Xigbar there?"

There was a pause. "_This is Demyx,_" the voice finally said. "_Why do you need Xigbar? He's busy shooting the targets to shreds. He said not to bother him, because the whole Colbert problem was giving him a headache._"

"Well, your friend Luxord is attacking Colbert," the man said. "Will you send him to get rid of this guy?"

Another short pause, with whispers in the background. "_Xaldin's going to come,_" Demyx said. "_He should be there in about, oh, five seconds? Good luck not being killed!_" There was a loud click.

"What now?" another audience member whispered.

There was a loud boom. "Does that answer your question?" the man asked, cautiously opening the shelter's door and peering outside.

There was a whirlwind of air surrounding a man with braided hair and sideburns. He was looking down at Luxord and Colbert, the former looking at the latter with hatred, and the latter cowering behind his chair.

"I can see why Xigbar has a headache," Xaldin said in his deep voice. He summoned three of his spears and launched them at Luxord's cards, making them vanish. "Luxord, go back to the Castle."

Luxord nodded. He vanished in a portal, leaving behind a large card that was stuck to the floor. Xaldin shook his head and glanced at Colbert. "One of these days, we're not going to be around to save you," he warned. "'Cause we'll be the ones attacking." He let his spears fade away and summoned a portal. "Maybe I should find Kit and Parker," he mused. "To keep things under control. Well, more control than there is now, anyway." His whirlwind died away, and he fell into his portal, vanishing.

Colbert sat down at his desk. "It's going to be a long couple of months, isn't it?" he asked the air, shaking his head. "Jimmy, put Luxord up on the board!"

The board lit up, and Luxord's shape lit up as well. He was holding a deck of cards possessively. "That's all the time we have left, Nation. Good night!" He put his head on the desk, and muffled cheering could be heard coming from the bomb shelters. Why they were still cheering for the man, or even coming at all, was one of the great mysteries of Life.

At The Castle That Never Was

"Never again," Luxord gasped. "I don't know how anyone stands that guy."

"It's a mystery," Axel agreed.

Everyone was in the Proof of Existence. Well, mostly everyone. Saix and Xemnas were still "recovering," as they called it. Roxas had walked past Saix's room while they were "recovering," and had to visit Namine to get the sounds out of his memory. Don't ask.

"Next victim!" Larxene cackled, rubbing her hands together.

"Why, are you volunteering, Larxene?" Zexion asked with mock surprise.

Larxene smirked. "Sure, why not? I can give the guy a run for his money."

Marluxia laughed. "He deserves it."

"As long as you don't kill him," Xigbar warned. "I've got enough paperwork to do as it is."

Everyone left, in groups of ones and twos and threes, everyone making sure to give both Saix and Xemnas's rooms a wide berth. Namine had enough work to do already.

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Crow: Well? Again, sorry for being late, and my other story is probably not going to be updated for a long while. Partially because of the lack of reviews, and partially because I need to figure out the plot. So, sorry for anyone who was waiting for the next chapter on that one!

Demyx: I was on the phone!

Saix: -murderous look in his eyes-

Crow: Uh oh.

Axel: You seem to like tempting death.

Xemnas: -murderous look in his eyes-

Demyx: You'd better run.

Crow: I don't see why I should run, I'm the autho-reeesssss! -runs away-

Xemnas: Get her!

-Saix and Xemnas chase Crow into the distance-

Axel: -shakes head-

Demyx: Tell me about it.

Please review!


	6. Larxene

A/N: I'm soo sorry it's been so long. Life has been crazy lately.

Demyx: Yeah, that's your excuse.

Crow: Shut up! If I hadn't started writing again, you would've still been frozen in cyberspace!

Demyx: . . . Fine. Just hurry up, m'kay? I want a turn!

Crow: Oh, so _that's _why you're mad. Tch, figures.

Demyx: Hey!

Crow: On with the story!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way, shape, or form. I also do not own the real life references I will be making.

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Larxene

Stephen Colbert was shaking in his boots, so to speak. Life was bad enough as it was: Rumsfeld had left his job, the Democrats had won the House AND the Senate, and Stephen Junior had booked it out of the US, heading straight for Canada. He had yet to return.

And now he had to interview Larxene. The angriest, most sadistic of all the Organization members. Everyone said so. He thought the others had been bad enough, but this was bound to be bad.

Luckily, the "security" that Xaldin had mentioned had finally shown up. Kit and Parker were in the audience, watching the show with amusement. Kit had a never-fading dagger smile, as if she couldn't wait for Larxene to beat up Colbert. Parker just seemed to be happy to be able to sit in the audience for free.

"The Organization is full of many violent people," Colbert remarked as the time came for the interview. "But certainly the most violent is one everyone can agree on. Please help me welcome Larxene!"

The audience cheered. Kit's whistling and clapping could be heard over the audience. Colbert ran over to the interview table, raising his hands to rile the audience. It gave him confidence, and he shook hands with Larxene before sitting down.

Larxene was leaning back casually in the chair, smirking at Colbert. She had one of her kunai with her, and was twirling it on one finger.

"Thank you for coming, Larxene," Colbert began.

"It was my pleasure," she said, her smirk widening. "I'm sure this will be . . . interesting."

Colbert gulped, but put on a brave face and continued. "It's my understanding that you are the only girl in the Organization, correct?"

Larxene scowled. "Yes," she replied shortly. "Is there a problem with that?"

Colbert shook his head quickly. "No, no," he said quickly. "I was just wondering what it's like, being the weakest." He winced as soon as he said that statement, wondering what on earth had made him say that.

"Weakest?" Larxene seethed, her eyes narrowing. "Really? And why is that?"

Colbert shivered, but decided that he might as well keep going. "Because you're a girl," he said, wincing and ducking.

Larxene's eyes widened in anger. "Why you sexist little," she said heatedly. Then she took a deep breath. "I'm okay," she said slowly. "I can handle it. You're a little nothing man, so I shouldn't care what you say."

Colbert looked up. "Huh?" was all he could say.

"I've been taking anger management classes," Larxene said proudly. "And they're working, aren't they? Go ahead, try and make me mad."

While he did have common sense, Colbert did not need to be asked twice. "You're one of the lowest-ranked Nobodies because you're a girl!" he blurted out.

Larxene laughed. "No, it's because I came to the Castle That Never Was later than the others." Her face hardened. "I'm just as strong as any of them."

"You're in love with Marluxia," Colbert said, irritated that he could not get to her.

That seemed to be the last straw for Larxene. Lightning flashed, even though it was inside. She seemed to grow taller. "What did you say?" she bellowed.

Colbert _eep_ed. "You said you had it under control!" he shouted.

"I lied!" she shouted back, cackling.

Parker jumped out of the audience, pulling out – a _rubber chicken_? He smacked Larxene smartly in the face. She hit him back automatically, and he began smacking her with the chicken. Slowly she came back to her senses, and finally she stopped the chicken.

"Thanks, teach," she said, smiling slightly.

The audience, who had been scrambling towards the bunkers in anticipation of a climactic battle, paused. _Huh?_ Some of them even let out sighs of disappointment. They had come to like Colbert being chased by various black-cloaked villains. It was almost a letdown.

"Parker's your anger management teacher?" Colbert asked in shock.

Parker smiled. "Didn't see that coming, did you?" he asked. Kit ran down the stairs to join him.

"Neither did I," she said, frowning. "How many other side jobs have you got going?" His only answer was a mysterious smile.

"This interview's over," he said to Larxene and Colbert. "You can go back now," he said to Larxene.

She nodded. Then, smirking, she raised her arms and shouted "Boo!" at Colbert. He jumped, and she cackled. Opening a portal, Larxene walked through. First, though, she made a giant lightning bolt knife through the set, carving her name in black, jagged, smoking letters that ran a foot high along the wall. Then she disappeared.

Parker shook his head. "And she was making such progress," he said to no one in particular. "C'mon, Ki, let's go."

Kit nodded. "That was hilarious!" she exclaimed, following him out of the studio.

Colbert went back to his desk and clutched it, as if in support. "Put Larxene on the board, Jimmy," he said nervously.

The board was brought out, and Larxene's shape lit up. Lightning was drawn around her in vivid, colorful lines, and she had that sadistic smirk on her face.

"That's all for tonight, folks," Colbert said. "I've got to figure out why these people keep attacking me," he said to himself as the audience clapped wildly.

----------------------------

At The Castle That Never Was

"Anger management lessons?" an incredulous voice asked. It was Axel, looking at Larxene in supreme shock.

She shrugged. "I thought I'd give it a try," she said. "But it didn't work."

"Gee, I wonder why," Luxord said sarcastically. He was rewarded with a fist in his face. "Ow!"

"Okay, who's going next?" Axel asked. He seemed to have been appointed temporary leader of these meetings. His question was greeting with chirping crickets. "Any volunteers?" Again, silence. "Okay, then I'll volunteer someone. Vexen, you're up."

"What are you talking about?" the Chilly Academic protested. "I'm far too busy to waste my time with the likes of that man."

"Far too busy, my ass," Axel snapped. "You're going, and that's final. Unless you want to take it up with Xemnas and Saix."

Vexen shuddered. "No thanks," he said queasily. "I'll just go to the incredibly pointless interview."

The impromptu meeting disbanded. "Dang it," Demyx complained. "I wanted to go."

Axel chuckled. "You're probably going to end up being last, aren't you?" he asked, directing his question at the ceiling. Out of nowhere, a large, black crow flew down to land on the table next to them.

_Probably not,_ the crow cawed, clacking her beak in amusement.

"Why not?" Demyx whined.

The crow cackled. _Because it's amusing,_ Crow said. _You'll get your turn._ She flew away and disappeared.

"Stupid author," Demyx muttered.

Axel sighed. "But you've got to admit, there've been some funny moments," he added.

"True," Demyx admitted as they left the meeting room. "But I can't help getting the feeling that she's running out of ideas . . ."

---------------------------------

Crow: So? What say ye, the people that read this little fic?

Demyx: Is it true? You're running out of ideas?

Crow: Oh, yeah. About that. -assumes begging posture- Yes!! I'm running out of ideas! Please, if you have any ideas for any of the remaining Organization members, PM or review me with them! I'm losing steam!

Demyx: Yes, please! I don't want to be stuck in cyberspace again. It's cold and green and digital, and there's some weird monkey that keeps poking me!

Crow: Until next time, then.


	7. Vexen

A/N: Hello, all! Welcome to the Wheeeeeel of Foooooo –

Demyx: Wrong genre.

Crow: Oh, yes. Game shows do not equal video games.

Axel: Wow, took a genius to figure that one out.

Crow: Shut up! Anyway, here's the next chapter. Thanks to everyone who gave me ideas, especially Warp Ligia Obscura , RaiPhoenix015 , Moonshine's Guide , Pyro of the Uchiha Clan, and Tera Earth. I'm sorry if I forgot anyone, but we've got to get this show on the road.

Demyx: What show?

Crow: Aurgh, shut up, please! I'm trying to run a fic here. Oh, and so you know, I corrected the last chapter in this chapter's recap, so that's why it makes more sense.

Disclaimer: I do not own KH I, CoM, or II in any way, shape, or form. To lawyers, I say, "Bite me!"

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From last time : _Vexen shuddered. "No thanks," he said queasily. "I'll just go to the incredibly pointless interview."_

_The impromptu meeting disbanded. "Dang it," Demyx complained. "I wanted to go."_

_Axel chuckled. "You're probably going to end up being last, aren't you?" he asked, directing his question at the ceiling. Out of nowhere, a large, black crow flew down to land on the table next to them._

Probably, _the crow cawed, clacking her beak in amusement._

"_Why do I have to be last?" Demyx whined._

_The crow cackled. _Because it's amusing,_ Crow said. _You'll get your turn._ She flew away and disappeared._

"_Stupid author," Demyx muttered._

_Axel sighed. "But you've got to admit, there've been some funny moments," he added._

"_True," Demyx admitted as they left the meeting room. "But I can't help getting the feeling that she's running out of ideas . . ."_

Chapter 7 – Vexen

Colbert was feeling pretty sweet. He had gotten out of his interview with Larxene, one of the most violent Organization members, alive and in one piece. Just to be sure, he checked himself over and laughed when he saw no scorch marks on his body, no casts.

Then he would look at the wall and see the foot-high letters spelling out 'Larxene.' And he would shudder, wondering what the next interview would bring.

"Help me to give a warm welcome to Vexen!" Those words would seal his fate.

As he sat down across from Vexen, he felt a shiver run down his spine, and noticed that his breath was coming in visible puffs.

"That's right; you're the one with the ice element, right?" Colbert realized, rubbing his arms briskly.

Vexen nodded, a small smirk on his lips.

"So, uh, um, what do you do all day in Castle Oblivion?" Colbert asked, his teeth starting to chatter. He clenched them, not wanting to make the extra noise.

Vexen was still smirking. "I mostly experiment," he replied. His voice was icy and cold.

"Really? What, um, what kind of experiments?" Colbert asked, starting to feel nervous as frost formed on the table. Vexen's smirk widened.

"I was hoping you'd ask that." He opened a portal and pulled out a flat metal gurney, like the ones in hospitals. "Tada!"

The audience oohed and aahed. Colbert backed away, shivering in the cold. "What's that for?" he asked nervously, afraid of the answer.

There was a swirl of a blizzard-like wind in answer, and the audience was temporarily snow-blind, except for two members, who had the foresight to bring skiing goggles.

"I can't believe he actually went through with it, eh?" one said to another in a fake Canadian accent.

"Cut the act, Kit," the other said absently, wincing. "Ouch, that's got to hurt."

"Well, at least I thought of it," she replied, insulted. "If I hadn't given those guards a reason for our ski goggles, we'd be in a Dumpster somewhere."

The other, Parker, turned to her. "Do you really think so?" he asked flatly. "Thought so," he said with a grin when she said nothing.

The blizzard died away, and Colbert was strapped on the gurney. Vexen was cackling madly, rubbing his hands together. "This is what you deserve for interrupting my valuable research," he informed Colbert.

"What are you doing?" Colbert cried.

Vexen blinked. "You know what, I don't really know," he said slowly. "I've been under the assumption that I would never make it this far, so I've really nothing to do."

"Poke him!" The cry came from the audience. The two men turned to see Kit standing up, her goggles pulled up onto her forehead. The rest of the audience was in chaos, so she and Parker came down to be next to Vexen.

When using the term chaos, it is usually a good idea for there to be actual chaos. And in fact it was chaotic. People were running around everywhere, their eyes snow-blind and wide with panic. Some people were being trampled, and others were laughing at the ruckus they heard. Someone screamed, "My eyes!" right before they collided with the wall that had Larxene's name on it.

"Well, this is amusing," Kit remarked to Vexen. "I do believe you've caused more chaos than anyone else yet. Chaos," she said thoughtfully. "It's such a nice word."

Vexen nodded happily, surveying the destruction. His gaze swiveled from a man swinging from a completely out of place chandelier, to the gurney where Colbert used to be, and then to the rioting crowd. He froze. Stop, rewind, freeze. Gasp in dismay. Shout incoherently at the sky. "Colbert's missing!" he finally managed to get out.

Kit cackled. "The one guy you wanted to get, and you lost him!" she chortled, pointing a wavering finger in Vexen's general direction. All the supreme stupidity seemed to have finally caught up with her.

"Everybody!" Parker bellowed. The entire audience froze. One man had a folding chair in his arms, and had frozen mid-throw. "Colbert's missing!"

Frantic action resumed, this time as people searched for the man they paid good money to see. Of course, it is difficult to find someone when you are snow blind, so this resulted in more chaos. Pure, unadulterated chaos. It was a sight to behold.

The audience was just beginning to stop its wild rampaging when there was a commotion in the place where the director usually sat. He had run off by now, along with the rest of the crew, to hide in the bunkers. They had, however, decided to lock the interns out. Those poor, poor interns. One was banging hopelessly on the door, a resigned look on his face.

"They don't even get paid," Parker remarked as he and Kit stared at the commotion at the director's chair.

"Neither do I," Kit replied. "Still, they have to put up with Mr. Colbert every day. I'll give them some credit."

The commotion was, Vexen had found Colbert. After quite a bit of wailing and holding onto the chair leg, Colbert was dragged out into the open and strapped back onto the gurney.

A swirling portal appeared on one of the walls. Xigbar stepped out angrily. "Goddammit, why does everyone look to me?" he spat, summoning a laser-gun. He shot in Vexen's general area without bothering to aim, and one of the interns yelped as he got singed in the rear.

"Someone – the director, probably – seems to have called the castle," Kit commented to Parker, standing on her tiptoes and waving wildly. "Xigbar! Hi! How're you doing?"

He turned to glare at them. "You two were supposed to keep things under control!" he barked, keeping Vexen pinned in place with one of his guns.

Kit shrugged. "I forgot."

"Forgot?!?" Xigbar's face turned red, and then almost purple.

"Don't have an apoplexy," Parker said defensively. "We'll do better next time, promise."

Xigbar sighed and put a hand to his forehead, looking incredibly hassled. "Back to the Castle! Now!" he said to Vexen. Vexen nodded, not wanting to face up with a furious Xigbar. He disappeared in his own portal, meekly returning to the castle. An angry Vexen was one thing, but when Xigbar got mad you ran or risked being riddled with a bullet hole. Or seven.

Xigbar let out a soft cry of frustration and pointed an accusing finger at Kit and Parker. "Please keep everyone in control, next time," he said tiredly. "Oh, and Zexion says hi," he added. "Also, Larxene said I was to remind you of the incident and laugh derisively. Whatever that means."

Kit's face had become red as he spoke, and she ducked behind Parker. "See you soon, Xigbar," she piped from behind Parker's back.

Xigbar shook his head and muttered, "I'm _so_ not being paid enough." Then he vanished.

Parker and Kit looked at one another. "Don't look at me like that," Kit protested at Parker's raised eyebrow. "I do not like him. Not at all, no sir." She marched out of the studio in a huff.

"I didn't say a word," Parker proclaimed to the sky, chasing after her. For a while, there was silence. The audience picked their way back to their seats.

Then: "Is someone going to untie me?" Oops. They had forgotten to let Colbert go. "Anyone?" Crickets chirped in the air. "Come on, guys, this isn't funny! You interns, get over here and let me go, or I'll dock your pay." One intern stuck his tongue out at Colbert. "Oh, that's right, you don't have pay!" The interns began to file out of the studio. "Come on, Jimmy? Adoring audience members?"

The audience cheered, feeling they had been cued. "No, don't cheer!" Colbert snapped. "Let me go!" No one moved. "At least put Vexen up on the board." The board lit up, showing Vexen in a thinking pose, with one eyebrow raised in an uber-evil manner. Then the lights in the studio went out. "Hello?" The audience had left. "Is anyone going to come get me?" Silence. There was a sigh. "I knew I should have been a mailman. . . ."

The Castle That Never Was

"Looks like even Vexen can't escape the curse of Colbert," Axel chuckled.

Vexen grumbled and crossed his arms, muttering to himself. Axel, Vexen, Demyx, Xigbar, Xaldin, Lexaeus, Zexion, and Larxene were all there. Roxas was taking his anger out in the training room, Marluxia was avoiding Larxene, as he had been ever since Larxene's interview. Luxord was trying to put together the burned ashes of his old deck, which he had somehow gotten hold of. Saix and Xemnas have already been explained, no need to go into further detail.

"So who's going next?" Zexion asked quietly, looking from face to face.

"Me!" Demyx cried gleefully, raising his hand.

"Why do you even want to go?" Lexaeus asked.

Demyx blinked. "I don't really know, y'know?" he said, laughing a little nervously.

Xigbar started. "Oh, Zexion!" he said suddenly. "I almost forgot."

"What?" Zexion asked warily.

"I spoke with Kit and Parker," Xigbar explained. "When I passed on Larxene's message, she got really red in the face."

"Larxene's message?" Zexion asked suspiciously. He turned to Larxene. "What was Larxene's message?"

"To remind her of the Incident," Larxene said smugly. Zexion scowled at her and hid behind his hair.

"We still have to decide who's next," Axel interrupted, glancing at the door anxiously. He had been in the middle of setting something on fire, and he hated to leave work unfinished.

"Oh, let the kid go," Xaldin drawled, leaning back in his chair. "At least he'll stop pestering us."

The others murmured assent, gradually relenting.

"Yes!" Demyx shouted, punching the air.

Axel rubbed his temple with his hands. "I don't know how you stand it," he muttered to Xigbar, leaving. "I'm going to go see if Roxas needs help relieving his anger. Maybe we can set something on fire." His expression brightened, and he left in a slightly better mood.

Soon everyone else had left. Vexen had "a fortuitous mountain of work," since he hadn't expected that the interview with Colbert would leave him so far behind. Larxene was off to taunt Xemnas and Saix, and Xigbar, Xaldin, and Lexaeus left for a late night round of cards, despite Xaldin's despairing lack of ability.

"Are you actually looking forward to your interview?" Zexion asked Demyx as they left the conference room together.

"Well, yeah. Aren't you?"

"Not really," Zexion replied.

"What was that Xigbar said?" Demyx asked curiously as they reached the fork in the corridor. His bedroom lay at the end of the left, and Zexion's was down the hall to the right. "About the Incident? Why does it have a capital 'I'?"

Zexion looked down at the ground. "Nothing," he finally said. "It was nothing." He walked away.

Demyx shrugged. "If you say so," he called after Zexion's retreating form. Then he frowned, seemingly lost in thought. Then his face brightened. "I'll bring my sitar to the interview!" he exclaimed. "I wonder if I should show Mr. Colbert this new trick I've been working on . . ." His voice trailed off as he walked towards his room.

There was a crow in the corner. She had glossy black feathers with a dark green tint, and her dark eyes had a mischievous glint. She opened her beak and let out a hoarse caw, then shook her head. _Demyx, Demyx, Demyx. _She spread her wings and flew through the ceiling, heading out of the castle and out of the fandom itself. _I can only wonder what will happen. . . ._

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Well? I know it's really late, and I'm so sorry! But guess what? I might go to Japan! I signed up for a foreign exchange program, so yayness!

Demyx: Yess! I'm next!

Xemnas: -evil glare-

Saix: -evil glare-

Crow: What? I barely even mentioned you guys!

Axel: I don't think they care.

Crow: You know, it's getting pretty crowded in here.

Xaldin: Where is 'here'?

Crow: -shrugs- The little gray space between chapters? Cyberspace? The Void?

Rose: The Void!

The Doctor: Not the Void!

Crow: -makes shooing motion- Oh, go away, you two. Wrong fandom. This is Kingdom Hearts, not Doctor Who. Besides, aren't you gone, Rose?

The Doctor: Who cares, there's so many tags to the last episode, it's like she never even left.

Crow: Awesome. Why don't you hang around whenever I get around to doing my half-planned Doctor Who fics, instead of cluttering up my Kingdom Hearts space! I can hardly breathe, it's so crowded. (By the way, I don't own Doctor Who.)

The Doctor: Very well. –vanishes-

Rose: -vanishes-

Demyx: Who were they?

Crow: People I spend way too much time thinking about, since the season finale. Anyways, until next chapter! Please review!


	8. Demyx

A/N: Back again, after so long! Back! From outer space!

Demyx: Don't even try to sing. It's just so horrible.

Crow: Well, I never! I'll have you know that I can . . . um, sing in the shower . . .

Demyx: I rest my case.

Crow: Oh, I'm going to have fun with this. Revenge is sweet!

Demyx: Revenge? Hey, what're you talking about? What's that piano for?

Crow: -evil grin- You'll see.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way, shape, or form. That is all.

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Chapter Eight: In which Colbert gets an unpleasant surprise

Demyx was confident. Everyone else so far had had a disaster with Stephen Colbert, an unlucky streak for an organization with the unlucky number, XIII. Demyx was determined to end that streak.

"Hello, Mr. Colbert," he said when Colbert finally finished encouraging the audience.

"Hello, it's great to have you here, Demyx," Colbert said warmly, sounding sincere. Probably because he thought he might be spared. The poor fool.

"This is a nice set," Demyx complimented.

Colbert smiled. "Why, thank you." They exchanged a few more pleasantries, and then got down to business.

"I understand that you're the 9th member of the Organization, is that right?" Colbert asked.

Demyx nodded, grinning. "I'm the Melodious Nocturne," he announced, jabbing himself in the chest with his thumb. "Ouch!"

"Not the brightest bulb, I see," Colbert muttered, almost under his breath.

"What?" Demyx asked.

"Nothing, nothing," Colbert said hastily.

"I'm a musician, too, you know," Demyx added proudly. "I put together a song for tonight's show. You guys wanna hear it?" he said to the audience, who cheered in reply.

Kit and Parker, hidden behind a man with a large sombrero, shook their heads. "You brought the ponchos, right?" Parker asked Kit.

Kit held up the two slick, waterproof coats. "Of course," she replied with a smile. The two of them turned back to the set.

Colbert was watching with some apprehension as Demyx stood up and walked over to a bare spot on the set. He summoned his sitar, making several audience members jump. One audience member, being blessed with intuitive abilities, ducked into one of the bunkers, pausing to drag his friend with him. It caused some disturbances in the audience, but by the time they realized the danger they were in, it was too late.

Demyx began to play his sitar with great enthusiasm and skill. A little too much enthusiasm, if you ask me. Geysers began to spout up from the floor of the set, and more than a few audience members were instantaneously soaked to the skin. That was just the beginning. Curtains of water began rippling through the audience, causing mass chaos. Demyx was still singing loudly, shouting the lyrics more than singing. In fact, no one could understand what he was saying.

Finally, his song escalated in a complex series of notes, causing the water that now covered the set to glow multiple colors, causing more chaos than usual. People were screaming, "I'm radioactive!" and "Oh no, not again!" and other such things.

As his big finish, Demyx threw his sitar in the air and let it dissolve. Then he shouted, "OH, YEAH!" and picked up a piano.

"Hey, where'd you get that piano?" Colbert began, but his sentence was doomed to be unfinished. With a Tarzan-like cry, Demyx launched the piano at Colbert. Colbert let out a plea, saying, "Oh dear God no please won't somebody HE-!" He seemed to be having trouble finishing his sentences. The piano collapsed on Colbert in a tinkering of Beethoven's Fifth.

"Oops," Demyx said, unsummoning his sitar guiltily. "Do you think he's okay?"

Kit and Parker walked down among the audience members, whose bodies were scattered like rag dolls. "I think you'd better run before Xigbar gets here," Parker advised. "He's taken to shooting random things and people, and this probably won't help his mental state."

Demyx nodded and disappeared in a portal quickly. And not a moment too soon, because Xigbar appeared just as Demyx's cloak swished into nonexistence.

"What NOW?" Xigbar shouted. His eyes were wild and bloodshot, and he already held his weapons in his hands.

"Oh, nothing," Kit said innocently. "Demyx just got a little overzealous, that's all."

Xigbar's eyes bugged out, and he looked at the piano that was Colbert. Then he chuckled. "I guess I'll let it slide this time," he said slowly. He put one hand to his brow, rubbing it irritably. "I'm going to need serious therapy after this," he muttered, before disappearing.

Kit and Parker looked at one another in delight, pleased at the amount of entertainment this was causing. They then commenced to leave the set, already discussing who might be coming next.

There were a few minutes of stunned silence. Then: "Jimmy?" Colbert called weakly. "Put Demyx up on the board, will you?"

There was some more stunned silence. Then a shaking intern brought out the Organization XIII board. He rolled it up to the piano that lay on top of Colbert like an overgrown puppy, and promptly scampered away.

The board lit up, and Demyx was added to the lit-up figures that had been interviewed. He had a sheepish look on his face, and his hands were behind his head.

"I'll see you all next time," Colbert called from beneath the scrappy piano. "Can someone help me? I think I have wood splinters in places I didn't know I even had." . . . . . "Well, don't all jump at once, okay?" . . . "Seriously, someone come help me or you're all fired! Interns, I'll lock you in the room with the lions again!"

… There was a mad dash as the interns rushed to help Colbert, fearing for their lives.

---------------------------

The Castle That Never Was

"What on earth were you _thinking_?" Xigbar raged. Demyx cringed. It had become a tradition for everyone that could to meet in this room after an interview with Stephen Colbert.

Xigbar and Demyx were there, of course. Xemnas had actually come, and everyone was not-so-subtly edging away from him. Xaldin, Vexen, and Lexaeus were discussing something scientific in one corner, and Zexion was trying not to bash his own brains out, because he was listening to Roxas talk about sea salt ice cream. Why the boy liked the horrid stuff, Zexion would never know. Saix was missing, and Axel was setting something on fire. Luxord was still busy with the remnants of his prized deck, but Marluxia and Larxene were there, although they were at opposite ends of the room.

"Next victim," Xigbar growled, turning away from a trembling Demyx.

"Why don't you go?" Roxas suggested innocently, and was almost shot in the head for his efforts.

"I have to put up with him every time," Xigbar snarled. "I'm going last as one of the few perks of this blasted job I've been saddled with."

He was now looking around at the un-interviewed members: Xaldin, Lexaeus, and Zexion. They edged away from him, identical expressions of, "Um, no" on their faces.

"Why not Axel?" Lexaeus suggested in a desperate attempt to save his life. "He's not here, so he can't object."

Xigbar paused and considered this offer. "Yeah," he finally said, and they sighed in relief. "He's always causing trouble, anyway, setting things on fire. A trip to Colbert's set will set him straight for a while. Zexion, go tell him."

Zexion's face turned pale. He'd all too often found himself at the receiving end of Axel's anger, and he didn't like it one bit. Nevertheless, he reluctantly teleported himself to where Axel was.

"Wait for it," Xigbar said softly. "Wait for it . . . now." A loud, wailing scream echoed through the castle.

"Nooooo!" shouted Axel.

"Nooooo! Oooo! Ooooo!" echoed the castle walls.

Zexion reappeared in his seat, looking hassled and sore. "Just barely dodged the blast," he panted. "Axel's not happy."

Roxas sighed and stood up. "I'll go calm him down," he said, looking both angry and sympathetic for his friend. He ran out of the room.

Taking this as a signal for the end of the meeting, the Organization members gradually dispersed. The sound of shouting and things breaking could be heard from upstairs.

Lexaeus, Xaldin, and Zexion were still in the room, looking at one another and shivering. They were next. No matter what happened, Colbert's chain of destruction would continue until it reached them. And there was nothing any of them could do about it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please don't kill me!

Demyx: You had us stuck in green cyberspace for ages!

Axel: It's really cold in cyberspace!

Everyone else: Yeah!

Crow: -wide eyes- I must flee for my life! –runs away-

Organization: Get her! –chases Crow-

Crow: If you kill me I'll never finish the stooory!


	9. Axel

A/N: Sorrrry! I know it's been, like, forever.

Demyx: Cyberspace really sucks.

Crow: Okay, I get the message! I'll try to be quicker with my updates, but seriously, high school is tougher than it's been before.

Demyx: Excuses, excuses.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way, shape, or form. I am not profiting from this fic.

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Chapter Nine: Axel's Turn in the Hot Seat

Colbert was in a very happy mood. He'd just been given his own day in Oshawa, and he still hadn't gotten over it.

But that pesky Organization problem. He'd made a promise to himself to finish it. So, through a chain of events, Colbert found himself sitting down with the most volatile person in the world. Ever. End of story.

"Axel, nice to meet you," Colbert said, holding out his hand.

Axel shook Colbert's hand quickly, looking peeved and wide-eyed and curious. "So, when do the explosions start?" Axel remarked casually.

"Explosions?" Colbert repeated. "My good fellow, nothing has ever exploded in this studio. Ever."

Suddenly, there was an explosion in the control room of the studio.

"Until now," Colbert amended.

Axel let out a short, barking laugh. "I hear that everyone who's been to see you has been mentally scarred for life," he commented.

Colbert couldn't help being a little proud. "I'm sure they were only exaggerating," he said humbly.

"Aren't you supposed to be asking me questions?" Axel inquired.

Colbert gave a guilty start. "Oh, yeah," he said. "Well, Mr. Axel, what's it like to be a Nobody?"

Axel shrugged. "It's not too bad. I mean, I'd like a heart, who wouldn't? But sometimes it can be fun." He smirked. "Especially the whole powers thing. I can make Marluxia so mad sometimes. . . ."

"Um, okay. . . .," Colbert looked a bit nervous. "And, how do you think the others see you?"

"They probably see me as the coolest member of the Organization," Axel replied easily. "And the most good-looking."

"Hmm, hmm, okay. Do you think they – do you think they see you as – homosexual?" Colbert was looking at Axel from over his glasses.

Axel froze. "Say what, now?"

"Do you think any of them have guessed as to your sexual orientation?"

"Are you calling me gay?" Axel asked, outraged.

"No, no, of course not," Colbert said hastily.

Axel leaned back. "Good."

"I was just saying that you look like a girl, and if you're really a boy, you must be homosexual," Colbert blurted before his mind could catch up with his mouth.

Axel's eyes flashed, and his chakrams appeared in his hands very suddenly.

By this point in the series, the producer had thoughtfully put clear blast walls in between Colbert and the audience. They took it down when Organization members weren't there, so Colbert could high-five the audience, but today the audience was grateful for the protection.

Axel started sending out fire blasts in all directions. The rest of Colbert's cast cowered in the fire-proof studio box. The interns pounded helplessly on the door, the blast walls, and the wall (that one was a little off in the head), trying to escape.

Colbert turned his desk over and covered his head. Axel quickly burned the desk into bits. "Hey!" Colbert said, his anger overcoming his fear.

Axel singed Colbert's hair. Colbert's eyes narrowed. "That's it!" he cried. "This means war!"

He pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number. "Hello, this is Stephen Colbert," he said into the phone. "I called you, the government, because I need to start a war that won't go anywhere and will seem completely useless, pointless, and something that I shouldn't have gotten involved in." He paused. "I thought you'd be the best people to call."

There were some chuckles from the audience, who all found this amusing now that they were out of harm's way.

Axel didn't find the call so amusing though, and blasted the phone out of Colbert's hand.

An audience member finally realized it might be a good idea to use the emergency phone in the bunker, and hit the button that said 'Call.' The phone rang, crackling with static.

"_Hello?_" a voice said. In the background, Axel was cackling, "Burn, baby, burn!" and sending streams of fire at Colbert, who was running around the studio, screaming.

"_Is that Axel?_" the voice asked incredulously.

"Yeah," the audience member, Phil, said. "Who's this?"

"_This is –x--,_" the voice said, the phone crackling as he said his name.

"Who?"

"_Marluxia,_" he said.

"Can you get – um, that guy that always comes?"

"_Xigbar?_"

"Yeah. He's, like, setting the studio on fire."

There was a short pause. "_I'll think about it,_" Marluxia said, and hung up.

Phil blinked at the phone, listening to the low dial tone. Then he shrugged and put it away. "Not my problem," he said, convinced he had done his duty and could now watch the melee in peace.

There was very little left in the studio now that wasn't on fire or burned. Colbert's tie was half burned off. His glasses were askew, and his look was wild.

A portal opened up in front of Axel, and Xigbar stepped through. "Not again!" he raged. He summoned his gun and, instead of shooting it, used it to pin Axel to the wall.

"He called me gay!" Axel protested, trying to talk his way out of trouble.

Xigbar walked over to the wall and began hitting his head on it. "I can't deal with this today," he declared. "Have fun dying, Mr. Colbert."

He disappeared, leaving his gun embedded in Axel's cloak.

Suddenly, the interns came flocking into the studio. Having found no escape, they decided to use Colbert as a body shield.

"Save our rabbits!" one cried.

Axel froze. "Rabbits?" he asked cautiously, almost fearfully.

One intern nodded. "They're our only companions," he said. So sad, but true.

Almost in slow motion, Axel turned to the place the interns had come from. By some miraculous feat, the rabbits had all escaped. They bounced toward Axel menacingly, which was odd as they were bunnies.

Axel dropped his chakrams, and they disappeared. "Bunnies!" he shrieked at the top of his lungs, turning and running. He ran into the wall and forgot to summon a portal in his panic. The rabbits swarmed over him, licking and nibbling his ears.

Finally, he remembered he was a Nobody, and summoned a portal. He jumped through, shaking off rabbits with whimpers as he ran, giving Colbert something to remember him by. A large scorch mark showed on the wall where Larxene had scratched her name.

Colbert got up, smiling shakily. "Saved by bunnies, huh?" he asked. "Jimmy, has the board been burned down?"

A faint "no" was heard from the box. "Then put Axel up on the board, will you?" he asked hopefully.

Bobby came out, wheeling the board. He turned and ran quickly, retreating to the box. Axel's form lit up, a wicked smirk on his face.

"See you tomorrow, Nation!" Colbert cried. "I really need a new tie. . . ."

The World That Never Was

"Bunnies?" Marluxia said incredulously. "I mean, I agree, they're pests, but terrifying?" He glanced at Axel. Ever since he'd gotten back, Axel had been curled in the corner of the meeting room, arms around his legs, rocking back and forth.

"So many bunnies. . . .," he murmured.

"He made me promise not to tell when I found out," Roxas said guiltily.

"And Colbert called him gay!" Demyx said. Unconsciously, everyone turned to glance at either Xemnas or Saix. The two glared, and everyone turned back.

"So, who's next?" Xigbar said grumpily. He had gotten a minimal role in this little interview, but he was sure that come next week, it was back to normal.

"Well," Lexaeus said with a sigh. "If I have to . . . I volunteer Xaldin!" he said quickly.

"What?" Xaldin said.

"Seconded!" Zexion added hastily.

"What?!?" Xaldin said again.

"Then it's agreed," Xigbar concluded. "Xaldin, you're up to bat next week."

Xaldin stared into space, his eyes wide. Everyone else filed out of the room. "What?!?!?"

From the corner, Axel wailed. "Bunnies!"

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Crow: Okay, so this one was pretty short. Apologies. I was really pressed for time, and I didn't know what else to add. So, what do you think?

Demyx: I think it sucked!

Crow: Well, no one asked you!

Demyx: I bet the next one will be even worse!

Crow: -pause- Well, probably. Any ideas for Xaldin, PM or review with them, folks! I really appreciated your ideas from before. See ya soon.


	10. Xaldin

A/N: I'M BACK!!

Demyx: Yeah, I could've sworn you were in, like, a coma or something.

Nari: And what if I was?

Demyx: . . . But you weren't. Just write the chapter, okay?

Nari: Fine. Since my creative juices are starting to (slowly) work again, this might be a bit easy. Or it might be difficult. We'll find out, huh?

Thank you to everyone who sent in ideas!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Kingdom Hearts in any way, shape, or form.

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Chapter Ten: Xaldin

Xaldin glowered at Colbert from beneath his hooded brows.

"What was that?" Colbert said. Xaldin had been muttering something about backstabbers and being outvoted.

"Nothing," Xaldin growled.

"Well, okay," Colbert said, looking a bit concerned. "Now, you are the third member of the Organization, yes?"

"Yes," Xaldin ground out, determined to use one-word answers the entire interview.

"I would like to ask you if you remember anything of your past life, before you were a Nobody," Colbert said, wincing in preparation for an explosion.

Xaldin paused to consider. "Somewhat," he muttered.

". . ." Colbert blinked. This was going to be difficult. He set his jaw in determination. Well, if he had to antagonize this man into talking, so be it.

"I have heard many people wonder, do you have to do your hair every morning?" Colbert blurted. But he was just getting started.

Xaldin started, and then looked annoyed. "No," he snarled.

"Well then, are your sideburns perhaps alive? I have heard some people speculate about that."

_Don't tell him about us,_ one of Xaldin's sideburns urged him.

_They are not ready for the truth,_ the other agreed. _Keep your silence._

Xaldin glared at Colbert, and if his braids were hovering a little, no one noticed.

"Oo-kay," Colbert drawled, surprised at his lack of reaction. "I'll continue. Are you, in fact, Jamaican?"

_That man just crossed the line,_ the first sideburn accused.

_I agree. You have to erase him from existence._

_You're right,_ Xaldin thought back. _He just crossed the line._

Xaldin opened his mouth and said more than one word. "Would you like to see my collection of lances?" he said, and the air in the studio was ominously still. "I have six of them."

The air gained that odd quality it gets right before a tornado, and the wind began condensing, forming a thick gray wall around Xaldin. Six lances appeared, hovering before him. He grabbed two in each hand, and the other two hovered over his shoulders.

_He called Xaldin Jamaican! _a sideburn told the lances.

_No,_ gasped one lance, the one hovering over his left shoulder.

_It's true,_ the other sideburn said solemnly.

_This man has gotta die,_ said a lance in Xaldin's right hand.

_How am I supposed to think with all of you chattering like old ladies in a rest home?_ Xaldin demanded.

_Sorry,_ said the sideburns and lances.

_I suppose I can forgive you this time,_ Xaldin relented.

The audience was watching this exchange with mild interest. It was fun to watch a man make gestures to several weapons and two sideburns.

_We'd better get down to business, _one lance finally said.

_Yeah,_ Xaldin said, turning to the spot where Colbert used to be. _Let's trap him inside a tornado and see how long he l-_

_Wait a minute,_ a sideburn said. _Rewind. Where is he?_

"Colbert!" Xaldin shouted to the ceiling. "You don't have anywhere to run to!"

He advanced on the interns. A few of them were cradling rabbits to their chests, whimpering. "Where is Colbert?" he said menacingly.

"We have no loyalty for him!" one intern cried. He pointed to the desk Colbert sat at. "He's over there!"

"Just don't hurt our bunnies," another intern added, holding up her floppy-eared, snowy white rabbit.

Xaldin nodded. "Agreed," he said, and levitated over to Colbert's desk. "Knock, knock," he called lightly. "Anyone home?"

"No," Colbert said, his voice muffled.

Xaldin gave the desk an unholy grin. He took one lance from behind his shoulder and pushed it into the desk.

"Don't kill me!" Colbert yelped, crawling quickly from beneath the desk. "I have a show to run!"

"Shouldn't we be calling Xigbar?" Kit said casually.

"Probably," Parker said back, equally casual.

Parker lazily reached back and into one of the bunkers, pulling the corded phone off the hook. He stretched and pushed the "Oh my God, get here ASAP" button. Yawning, he watched Xaldin chase Colbert around the studio.

"Y'know, this is getting pretty repetitive," Kit remarked.

"Yeah," Parker agreed.

"_Hello?_" a voice asked, scratchy over the phone line.

"Hey, Zexion, it's Parker. Just thought you might like to know that Xaldin's tearing up the studio. So, if you'd be kind enough to give Xigbar a message, tell him to come over here whenever he feels like it. You know, no big deal."

"_What?_" Zexion shouted. "_Don't do anything rash; Xigbar will be right there._" He hung up.

"I hadn't noticed until now, but the Organization members seem very volatile and emotional for heartless beings, don't they?" Kit commented.

Parker yawned again. "It's all very monotonous to me."

Xaldin had succeeded in pinning Colbert in a corner, and the winds swirling angrily around him were tugging at Colbert's clothes.

_This is the end!_ one lance cried.

Colbert ducked his head.

A portal appeared in front of Colbert. "Why must this happen every time?" Xigbar raged, coming in guns blazing. He ran to Xaldin and slammed him against the wall. "Leave before I lose my patience," he ground out.

Xaldin left without a word, terrified. Xigbar seemed to be losing control with every interview.

Xigbar advanced on Colbert, his eyes angry. "Only three interviews left," he said. "Don't mess it up."

Colbert nodded, unable to speak.

Xigbar turned away, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I am SO gonna need some serious therapy after all this," he muttered, a portal swallowing him from the ground up. "I'd better look into that."

The rest of the crew slowly emerged from the fire-proof studio box. The interns, seizing their chance, dashed into the box, slamming the door shut behind them.

"Put Xaldin on the board, huh, Jimmy?" Colbert said woozily, walking over to his desk. The lance was still embedded in the wood, quivering slightly. The board was brought out, and at the same instant Xaldin lit up, the lance disappeared in a swirl of smoke. It left a foot-deep gouge in the wood.

"Thank God this is almost over," Colbert gasped, collapsing into his chair. "Good night, nation."

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The World That Never Was

"And then there were two," Axel said, smirking.

"Good luck," Roxas said solemnly, meaning it.

Zexion and Lexaeus were seated on one side of the table, looking at the rest of the Organization with wide eyes. "Don't do this to us," Zexion pleaded.

"Everyone else had to," Xigbar said. "And I'm going last, remember? Unless you want to put up with psycho for the next three interviews."

Zexion and Lexaeus shook their heads vigorously.

"So, how do we choose?" Luxord wondered out loud.

"Eenie, meenie, minie, mo?" Demyx suggested.

Xigbar shook his head. "I'll do it," he said. "I'm going to spin around in a circle. One half is Zexion's side, the other is Lexaeus'. Someone stops me from spinning, and wherever I'm pointing gets to go next."

"We'll choose sides without telling you, so it'll be fair," Vexen said, ever the stickler for experiments.

So Xigbar covered his other eye, and spun around with his arms out. Demyx reached out after about ten seconds and stopped him. Xigbar opened his eye cautiously. "Who's the unlucky person?"

Zexion and Lexaeus looked at each other fearfully.

Xemnas looked at the two of them. "Zexion," he said gravely.

"NOO!" Zexion cried, as Lexaeus did a happy 'not me' dance to the side.

Everyone began slowly clearing the room. "Why?" Zexion wailed.

"Relax," Demyx said encouragingly. "You'll be fine. It wasn't that bad."

"Really?" Zexion asked.

Demyx thought back to his interview. "Okay, maybe it will be bad," he amended. "But probably more for him than you."

Zexion moaned as they left the room. "He'll probably call me emo or something." The door closed, and the lights flicked off. And so the room would remain empty. Until next week, that is.

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Nari: Well? What say ye?

Demyx: Meh, I've read better.

Zexion: Why ME? Why not Lexaeus first?

Nari: -shrug- There was nothing on T.V. I decided to torment you, instead.

Please review!


	11. Zexion

A/N: I've noticed that these are gradually getting suckier, so I'm trying to finish quickly. It's not working so well.

Demyx: Tcha, we noticed.

Crow: Shut up! Anyway, I hope to have this done before school starts, but who knows? We'll just see how it goes.

Thanks to Reading Chick, hanakitsunechan7, and Pyro of the Uchiha Clan for their cool ideas!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way, shape, or form. I do not own any real world references I make, and I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, that is Douglas Adams' job.

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Chapter 11 – Zexion

Colbert was more than a little apprehensive when he sat down across from Zexion, the illusionist of the Organization.

"He looks pretty nervous, huh?" Kit asked. They were sitting in the audience as usual, but by now their reputation had spread and there was an even three-foot radius around them that was empty of people.

"So?" Parker said, angrily uncaring.

"What's your deal?" Kit asked. He pulled a newspaper out of his backpack and threw it at Kit. She caught it, surprised, and read the title, wondering what could make the mellow Parker so angry.

Love Triangle Tears Organization Apart

Our inside sources have shown that a love triangle between their sixth member, Zexion, and two outsiders, Kit and Parker, is causing some tension among the Nobodies. Kit, the middle of the triangle, is said to have kissed Zexion, and Parker was reported being angry and 'beat up' Zexion. Our source – _cont. on page A3_

Kit stared at the page, and then crumpled it into a small ball. "Whoever sold us out is SO DEAD!" she seethed.

On an unrelated note, at that precise moment, Larxene felt a tingling sensation in her extremities, and decided it would be a good idea to leave the country for a few decades. Unfortunately, she lived in the Castle That Never Was, and there was no other country to flee to, so she settled for hiding in Marluxia's room and hissing whenever anyone opened the door, throwing kunai at the offensive person.

It had only taken the two of them a few seconds to figure out who it must be. "Larxene," Parker hissed.

The two of them decided to go on their murderous rampage after the interview, or to perhaps intermingle it with Zexion's nearly certain explosion.

"So, Zexion," Colbert began, and stopped again out of fear.

"Yes?" Zexion said patiently, as he was a patient sort of person.

"You have the ability of, um –"

" – illusions, yes," Zexion confirmed, finishing Colbert's question and answering it at the same time.

"Now, tell me about what it's like living with the Organization," Colbert managed to gab out.

Zexion looked thoughtful. "Well, the first six of us, the apprentices, we all get along pretty well, because we're used to living together. Luxord and Saix are good about getting along, too, although perhaps not so much with Saix. But the younger ones . . .," he trailed off, shaking his head. "They're very volatile."

"That's a shame," Colbert said. "Now, I need you to confirm something for me."

"What is it?" Zexion asked, instantly wary.

Colbert slid a paper across the table. Parker recognized it as the tabloid their story had been in, and wondered if it was enough to drive Zexion off the edge.

Zexion read through it quickly, and looked up calmly. "This is a lie," he said, equally calmly. Then he calmly tore the paper to shreds.

Colbert looked at his notes and worked up his nerves, determined to make the audience both laugh and cower in fear before the end of the interview. "That's an interesting hairstyle," he remarked, and Kit and Parker exchanged twin grins.

"Uh, thanks," Zexion said uncertainly, thrown off balance.

"Tell me, do you wear your hair like that because you're emo, because you're homosexual, or both?"

There was a horrible silence that seemed to stretch forever. Zexion's eye twitched. The audience held its breath, ready to slam the bunker doors shut.

"I AM NOT EMO!" Zexion roared. The studio swept away in a rush of darkness, and the audience and Colbert found themselves on a dark island that was in the process of collapsing.

Colbert whirled around, and was surprised when Zexion appeared behind him, holding a large book. Zexion grinned and cracked it across Colbert's skull.

"What's going on?" Colbert cried, as three Zexions circled him menacingly. The wind howled darkly, ruffling the hair of the audience, who were dismayed to find that the bunkers had disappeared. So had the chairs. They milled around on the island, and a few of them almost fell off the edges of the crumbling land mass.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Zexion continued, patiently and calmly shouting at the top of his lungs. He wielded his book skillfully.

"Your weapon is a book?" Colbert said incredulously. "Come on, man! Are you serious?"

Zexion's eye widened in rage, and suddenly Colbert was in a wild forest. He was entirely alone. "Huh?" he managed to get out. Then a giant grizzly bear lumbered out of the woods.

"Bear!" he shrieked. Another bear joined the grizzly. "Bear!" he repeated.

The bears exchanged glances, which clearly said, _Well, this human is off his rocker._ They commenced attacking, foaming at the mouth and a manic glint in their small black eyes.

Just as they were about to rip their teeth into Colbert's pricy suit, he was back on the island, and the audience was slowly turning into an angry mob, led by Kit and Parker.

"I AM NOT EMO," Zexion repeated loudly, "I JUST LIKE TO WEAR MY HAIR THAT WAY. OKAY?!?"

Colbert covered his head and whimpered at the giant, grizzly bear-shaped Zexion, and his whimper sounded something like a yes.

Zexion closed his eyes and raised his arms, and the darkness raced across the island, this time pulling with it the studio. The audience, startled at this sudden transfer, was refueled again when Kit and Parker shouted angry encouragement.

"We demand retribution!" Kit shouted.

"We demand payment!" Parker shouted.

"I demand that my name is Frederick!" howled an audience member.

"It's okay," an audience member explained angrily, turning to him. "You don't have to demand that."

Meanwhile, one of the less enraged audience members figured it would be a good idea to call the Castle. However, that was a bad idea, as will be revealed shortly.

Xigbar appeared almost instantaneously, and the mob acted. Shouting and howling in indignant and righteous rage, they stampeded through the portal. Xigbar stared with a wide-eyed blankness as the majority of the audience vanished through his portal.

"Now there's something you don't see every day," he commented. Then he started, returning to his task, and turned irritably to Colbert, who was cowering from Zexion, who had calmly returned to his seat.

"It would probably be best if I left now, wouldn't it?" Zexion winced, eyeing Xigbar's expression.

"Yes," he ground out.

"Okay." Zexion stood up.

"Just out of curiosity, what did you do to him?" Xigbar asked before Zexion left.

Zexion replied with a mysterious smile and a promise of explanation later, and vanished.

Xigbar crouched down until he was level with Colbert. "You will listen to me, little man, and you will listen well," he said very softly. "There is only one interview between now and my interview. Do not push me, or all of these occurrences will seem like cakewalks compared to what I have in mind. Do you understand?"

Colbert nodded mutely, and Xigbar stood up, grunting slightly and dusting off his hands before vanishing.

"Jimmy?" Colbert asked.

"What happened, Stephen?" Jimmy asked shakily from the control box. "We were watching, and you all just – just vanished!"

"Just," Colbert sighed, "just put Zexion on the board, please? We'll sort this out with the laws of physics later."

This task being done, Colbert sat down in his chair with relief. "Good night nation!" he managed to enthuse. A lone audience member clapped, but there were only three audience members left, and the aforementioned other two quickly smothered the third's hands.

The Castle That Never Was

"Yargh!" Kit yelled wordlessly.

"How long have they been here?" Luxord remarked casually. Most of the Organization was in the conference room. Larxene was outside, being chased by Kit, Parker, and an angry mob of ex-audience members.

"And where did she get the angry mob of people, anyway?" Marluxia asked in confusion.

"She and Parker riled up most of the audience and led them through my portal," Xigbar explained. He turned to Zexion. "Now, you owe me an explanation."

Zexion shrugged and explained what had happened to everyone present. There was a stunned silence, and then a low whistle. "Impressive," Vexen said.

Zexion smirked. "I wasn't about to let him get away with that, now was I?" He turned to his friend, who was looking more and more nervous. "You ready, Lexaeus? Are you going to be the one who manages not to cause financial and mental damage?"

Lexaeus shrugged uncomfortably. "That really depends on what he tries," he admitted. "I'm a patient person, but I won't put up with that kind of abuse for long."

Axel cackled. "Interesting as this is, I have some business to catch up on."

"By business, do you mean flirting with the girls in the town?" Xaldin asked frankly, raising a brow.

Axel raised his eyebrows and winked, but said nothing as he sashayed out of the room. Roxas was absent, probably in Twilight Town, otherwise he probably would have gone with his friend.

There was a brief silence. "He's in denial," Marluxia commented. "He's completely gay."

"And you're one to talk," Xigbar snorted.

"Our usual wager?" Luxord suggested.

"Put me down for the gay side," Xaldin told him, and Luxord wrote something in a small book of his.

"I'll bet on the straight side," Zexion said. Luxord looked at him. "Just a hunch," he told Luxord.

"I refuse to partake in this foolishness," Xemnas announced, leaving the room. Saix waited ten seconds, and then he also left, but wordlessly.

"No need to bet on them," Demyx muttered. "By the way, I'll be on the gay side."

"Straight," Xigbar offered. Then he laughed. "I wonder what he'd say if he found out we were betting on his sexual orientation?"

"Probably try to kill all of us," Luxord said unconcernedly. "Marluxia, you're gay, right? Relax, relax," he added hastily, as Marluxia glowered menacingly. "You knew what I meant, right?

"Okay, we'll give this two weeks, and then if we can't tell for sure, we'll ask him and Roxas," Luxord finished, closing his book with a snap.

"This is certainly an interesting twist," Xigbar confided to Xaldin as they left.

Xaldin was laughing. "Now all we need is for Lexaeus to 'accidentally' kill Colbert, so you don't have to do the interview."

"Don't give him any ideas," Vexen commented in passing.

Lexaeus went straight to his room, uneasy. He had a feeling that, come the interview day, he would be tested to the very edge of his patience. It was an ominous, potent feeling.

Lexaeus shivered.

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Well, any bets from you all? Will Axel be straight or gay?

Honestly, I haven't even decided yet. But it's going to be fun, either way. –evil grin-

Axel: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Crow: -guiltily- Oops. Didn't I tell you to lock the door, Demyx?

Demyx: Oops.

Crow: Great. If Axel kills me, how will the story ever get finished.

Axel: Not my problem.

Crow: Eep!

Please review!


	12. Lexaeus

A/N: Sorry it took so long, folks.

Demyx: Yeah, thanks.

Crow: Shut up, Demyx! We're almost done, huh? So sad.

Thanks to hanakitsunechan7 for the idea of steroids and FBI fun. It's gonna be a good chapter, hanakitsune. Thankee!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way shape or form. I do not own Stephen Colbert or the Colbert Report. I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or Douglas Adams. I do not own any real world references such as Monty Python or Alice in Wonderland. That is all.

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Lexaeus

Colbert sighed with relief. Only two more interviews to go. Just this guy, and then the nice guy that kept on saving him, and then he would be free to return to his mildly less volatile lifestyle.

Kit and Parker were in the audience again, and surprisingly of one mind. They both sat back against their seats, arms folded, simmering resentfully. Kit recalled what had happened at the castle.

"_How long are you planning on chasing her?" Xaldin demanded, taking charge of the situation._

_Kit and Parker glanced at one another. "Forever," they replied promptly._

"_You can't chase her forever!" Xaldin complained._

"_The mob will tire out," Zexion pointed out._

"_Damn," Kit hissed. "You're right."_

"_Now," Xigbar ordered, looking tired, as usual. "You will be at the audience for the next two interviews, capiche?" _

"_What?" Parker gasped. "Why should we stay?"_

"_Chance for seeing Colbert get tormented for his rude and inconsiderate comments?" Xaldin offered._

"_That's not nearly as fun as watching Larxene get tormented for being a complete and total -," Kit growled, but was cut off when the angry mob, which had been able to chase Larxene without Kit and Parker, rounded the corner._

"_Boss!" shouted one of them. The mob came to a screeching halt in front of the duo. "We can't find the yellow-haired source of all pain and misery on the planet, boss!"_

"_The one you said destroyed our lives and caused all the stuff in the studio," another added._

"_I demand that she be found so that we can demand that she stop causing the troubles of the world!" shouted Frederick. "I demand solid facts!"_

"_Guys, guys, calm down," Kit said, placating the crowd. "Guess we're stuck with this job, Park."_

_He shrugged. "Not nearly as bad as the job I had once, at McDonalds." He shivered. "Now that was scary."_

"_But how are you going to disperse this infinitely-fueled crowd?" Xaldin queried._

_Kit smiled. "Easy." She turned to the crowd. "Guys, guys!" she shouted, as they were starting to escalate again. "Listen to me!"_

_They quieted down slowly, staring at their boss. "What is it?" someone called irritably._

"_Forty-two," she said simply, still smiling._

_The crowd grumbled and growled to itself. "Forty-two?"_

"_Oh, well that's all right, then." The crowd milled about and became once more a group of ex-audience members._

"_We'll take them back," Parker said as Xigbar opened a portal for them._

Kit sighed. "We're not even getting paid," she whined.

"We're getting paid in entertainment," Parker said grudgingly.

"True," she admitted, and they turned back to the studio, where Colbert was sitting across from Lexaeus, who barely fit in the chair.

"Good to have you on the show, Lexaeus," Colbert said, shaking Lexaeus' hand and wincing.

"It's nice to be here," Lexaeus said uncertainly, but polite as ever.

"Now, you're the second to last to be interviewed, if my fifth grade education can still be relied on," Colbert said, eliciting a laugh from the audience. "Tell me, how have the other Organization members been recuperating?"

Lexaeus almost chuckled. "Well, it's been a strange few weeks," he admitted. "Naminé has taken to counseling the returning interviewees, and she's the resident 'therapist.' I would tell you what Saix and Xemnas are doing to recover, but I like my head where it is, thanks, so I'd rather not. Axel is dealing with it by regularly setting fire to random objects, which includes but is not limited to Marluxia's plants, the furniture, the wooden furnishings, and Marluxia. Demyx doesn't see what the big deal is, and everyone else mostly grumbles to one another about their horrible experiences and how they're scarred for life."

Colbert blinked. "So, not too bad, huh?"

Lexaeus sweatdropped. "Yeah, not bad at all," he said sarcastically.

Colbert made a motion to Jimmy, and dropped his voice. "This is going off the record," he muttered, and the audience leaned in. This was going to be good.

"What for?" Lexaeus asked.

"I want to know where you get your roids," he said.

"My what?" Lexaeus said perplexedly.

"Your roids, your steroids! Where else could you get such big muscles?"

Lexaeus blinked. Due to an unfortunate twist of circumstances, his dimension had never developed steroids, so he therefore had no idea what Colbert was prattling on about. "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're prattling on about," Lexaeus said plainly.

Colbert began to talk very slowly. "I am talking," he said slowly, "about what you use to make your muscles abnormally buff."

Lexaeus' eyes flashed. "Why are you talking like that?" he said disdainfully. "It's not as if I'm some sort of moron that can't string two words together."

"I understand," Colbert said, still as though talking to a three-year-old.

"Stop it," Lexaeus said with extreme patience, although it was clear that he was at his limit.

"I want to know where you get," Colbert explained slowly, "your muscle-enhancing drugs."

"I said STOP!" The earth shook beneath their feet. The audience was terrified. This wasn't something they could hide from. The earth was fricken _everywhere_.

Colbert sensed the danger, and he backed off. "Tell me about your fellow Organization members," he suggested.

Lexaeus accepted the change of subject gracefully, and began talking about his companions. Meanwhile, Colbert was pushing a button on the underside of the table. Parker was the only one who saw it, so he was the only one who wasn't surprised when a squadron of FBI agents trooped onto the set.

"You're under arrest for the illegal misuse of steroid drugs," one man said gruffly to Lexaeus. "You'll be coming with us."

Lexaeus stood up slowly. The earth began to tremble. "I don't think so," he said in a soft, dangerous voice.

"Uh oh," Kit said.

"Yeah," Parker agreed, grimacing. "What do you suggest?"

"Run for the portal when Xigbar shows up?" she suggested.

"Good plan."

The audience was in chaos. Again. The set shook, and mortar began crumbling down from the ceiling. The FBI agents looked worried now, and were staring at Lexaeus.

"Sir, if you'll please come quietly," one of them said.

"I haven't done anything WRONG!" Lexaeus roared. The earth surged beneath their feet in reply, opening a chasm beneath the FBI agents. They had the classic deer-in-headlights look, and then they plummeted into the hole, where they would have a series of strange adventures with a grinning cat and an overweight queen that was trigger happy. Or, at least, scythe-cutting-off-your-heads happy. Which doesn't sound nearly as good as trigger happy.

Kit snagged a passing audience member's sleeve. "Hey, buddy," she said cheerfully. "Mind calling up Xigbar for us?"

"Why can't you?" he said reproachfully. He wanted to get out before the roof caved in.

"Because Xigbar said that if we call him with any more bad news, he'll throw us into the Gorge of Eternal Peril," Parker explained.

"Where is that gorge, anyway?" Kit asked.

"Somewhere," Parker said vaguely. "Apparently the man from scene twenty-four knows."

"Is there a point to this?" the audience member asked, being a person of sound mind, unlike Kit and Parker.

"Just use the phone," Kit said, pointing to a phone inside the bunker.

The man hesitantly picked up the phone and pushed the "Oh my God, get here ASAP!" button. Meanwhile, Kit and Parker were observing the scene before him.

"This is different, innit?" Kit said.

"How so?"

"Well, Lexaeus isn't going after Colbert," Kit pointed out, pointing to Lexaeus, who was now terrorizing the director and camera crew.

"You're right." Parker paused. "I wonder why."

"Oh, wait a second, wait a second," Kit said. "There he goes."

Lexaeus had turned on Colbert. "I will be treated with proper respect as a scientist," he hissed, making the ground buckle around Colbert.

"No, I'm not ordering a pizza," the audience member was shouting into the phone. "There's a man here who's making the ground buckle and shake!"

"_Oh, I thought you were asking for a pizza,_" Demyx declared. "_Lemme go get Xigbar for you._" He hung up.

The audience member hung up as well, grumbling about undereducated teenagers, being a professor himself.

"Have fun being insane," he said to Kit and Parker, before high-tailing it out of there.

Xigbar showed up, and Kit and Parker bolted through the portal. Xigbar blinked, and then turned to Lexaeus. "Come on, I was so close!" he snarled, pulling Lexaeus off of Colbert. "What you've experienced before is nothing compared to when I get hold of you," he seethed, before dragging Lexaeus through the portal.

Colbert glanced around at the broken earth, and peered down the rabbit hole. "Well, this is strange," he remarked. "Anyone still in here?"

"I am," Jimmy called weakly.

"Then go ahead and put Lexaeus on the board," Colbert ordered.

Jimmy wheeled the board out and ran back to his control room, flipping a switch. Lexaeus lit up, in all his psychotic glory. And the world was at peace.

Not really.

The World That Never Was

"Go home!" Xigbar shouted.

"No," Parker and Kit said simultaneously.

They had forced their way into the meeting room. Lexaeus was absent, working off tension in the gym. Saix and Xemnas were missing as well, see earlier chapters for details.

"This has been a pretty intense experience," Xaldin commented.

"Thank god it's bloody over," Luxord groaned, leaning back in his chair.

"Almost bloody over," Xigbar corrected. "I'm still left."

"Good luck, mate," Luxord replied.

"Well, I've got business to attend to," Axel announced, leaving the room. Roxas paused, and left the room as well, being bored now that his best friend had left.

"I'm telling you, I'm going to win this bet," Xaldin told Zexion triumphantly. Zexion shrugged nonchalantly.

"What bet?" Kit asked, instantly curious.

"We all bet on whether Axel is straight or gay," Luxord told her. "Usual wagers."

"Which are?" she asked.

Luxord put a finger to his lips and winked. "Secret," he said. "You'd find out if you played this bet."

"Put me down on the straight side," she declared.

"Then put me on the gay side," Parker said, grinning. "May as well make this interesting."

"Let's find out after Xigbar's interview," Xaldin suggested. "Xigbar, you can bring Kit and Parker with you when you've finished destroying the set, and we'll confront him."

Kit grinned. "Sounds like a good time."

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Well, now. I'm having fun.

Oh, here's a list of who's betting and on what side, since I didn't mention all of them.

Straight:

Xigbar

Lexaeus

Zexion

Kit

Gay:

Luxord

Larxene

Marluxia

Xaldin

Demyx

Vexen

Parker

As you can see, not too many people believe in Axel's heterosexuality. –shakes head- So sad.

Any ideas as to what the wager will be? I've got a vague notion, but any suggestions are welcome, as always.


	13. Xigbar

A/N: The last one!

Demyx: Or is it?

Crow: Stop foreshadowing! That's the last time I confided in you the plot details.

Demyx: Serves ya right for trusting me!

Axel: -glower-

Crow: He finds out about the bet in this chapter. Consequently, this chapter's gonna be pretty long. Are you guys ready?

Thanks to Mooncry for the idea, and God of Laundry Baskets for reminding me that every hitchhiker needs a towel. Also, I did a tally, and six of you voted straight, and only one voted gay! And honestly, I wasn't sure which way to go with this one, so there will be a tip of the hat to both sides before a choice is made.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way shape or form. I do not own Stephen Colbert or the Colbert Report. I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or Douglas Adams. I do not own any real world references. That is all.

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This was it. The big one, the final day. The last interview with the Organization.

The people from the mental health institutes, the suicidal people, and the politicians all lined up outside Colbert's door to buy tickets to this catastrophic event. The Organization all planned to come, to see Xigbar's retribution at hand.

Meanwhile, Kit and Parker were packing some sparse essentials for the interview. "Flashlight?" Parker asked, reading from their list.

"Check."

"Spear gun?"

"Check."

"Stopwatch?"

"Check."

"Towels?"

"Check and check." She held up two towels, one decorated with rubber ducks, and one decorated with little lightning bolts against pink.

"Tranquilizer gun?"

"Uh . . . check."

"Toothbrush?"

"Check. Why do we need that, anyway?"

Parker shrugged. "Heck if I know." They did not know the importance the toothbrush would play in the upcoming interview.

Finally, the hour was at hand.

The audience chattered nervously as they took their seats. Colbert did his pre-show cheering, and Parker winced at Beyonce's voice. Colbert had recently acquired a broken wrist, and he feared that it was an omen. An omen of impending doom!

"Pleasure to have you on the show, Xigbar," he said nervously.

Xigbar glowered. His hand tapped out a staccato rhythm on the glossy table. The Organization, seated next to Kit and Parker, looked around them curiously. The earlier interviewees were surprised to see military bunkers with rounded shields and helmets, and there were complimentary Ways to Tell if an Organization Member is About to Lose it and Attack Everything in Sight pamphlets. Kit and Parker were currently betting.

"I give him five minutes, tops," Parker declared.

"Five?" Kit scoffed. "You think too highly of his patience. Thirty seconds." They shook hands.

"Tell me," Colbert began, "what was it like, being the guardian or proctor for your fellow Organization members during these dark times?"

Xigbar snorted. "I'll tell you what it's like," he said angrily. "Once a week, dragged away from my busy schedule to pull a deranged Organization member off of your worthless hide. And in between the weeks, I was plagued with headaches and a strange desire to maul people. _That_ is what it was like."

Colbert blinked. "I see," he said, and Kit stifled a curse, eyeing her stopwatch. She started counting money into Parker's open hand, scowling.

"So what is it like, being Californian?" Colbert said, changing subject.

Xigbar blinked slowly. "I dunno, man," he drawled. "Same as anyone, I s'pose."

"Are you aware that you need a gun license to own and use a gun, sir?" Colbert challenged, trying the rapid-fire questions technique. It failed miserably, though.

"Yeah," Xigbar said smoothly, "but the government dude who said I needed one didn't have many complaints when I was through with him." He grinned. "That mighta been 'cause he couldn't speak."

"And what do you have to say about your denial of being an old man?" Colbert clapped his hands over his mouth in horror. He was so _close_! There was no way he'd make it out of bodily harm now.

Xigbar, surprisingly, didn't react with instant rage. He calmly stood up, and dusted off his legs. "Any other jibes you wanted to poke in my face?" he said calmly.

"Well, there are the rumors of your affair with Demyx," Colbert admitted, immediately looking horrified afterward. Why did he have to choose the quest for truth as his career?

The Organization simultaneously turned to look at Demyx, who shrugged, wide-eyed.

Xigbar's eyes flashed. Frederick stood up in the crowd. "I demand that this is a sign!" he shouted, waving his pamphlet in the air. "He's screaming and looking at the ceiling in murderous rage! I demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" He blinked at the last part. "I demand that I have no idea why I said that last bit!" he hollered.

Xigbar's guns were summoned, and the Organization, along with Kit and Parker, leaned forward in anticipation. Colbert cowered, and clouds loomed in the distance. The audience scrambled for the bunkers, blind with panic and happiness. Yes, happiness. They would miss this chaos and random terror.

Xigbar, oddly, began by shooting at random places. Larxene's name and Axel's burn mark, engraved on the wall, were obliterated into several smoking circles. The posters with Saix's face were destroyed, and several interns scampered away, rabbits in their arms.

Axel whimpered at the sight of the rabbits, hiding his face behind Roxas' back. The other Organization members exchanged knowing looks. By the end of the day, they would know.

Meanwhile, Xigbar was continuing his happy destruction, having taken Xaldin's words to heart. He was destroying the set.

"This is anticlimactic," Kit commented.

Parker raised a brow. "This?" he waved his arm at the wanton (meaningless) destruction. The audience's seats had dissolved into smoking craters, and the bunkers were all that remained standing. Oddly, the Organization's chairs remained intact, a small section of bleachers surrounded by twisted, pocked metal.

"I was expecting more of a big boom," Kit replied. She waved her hands in a 'boom' expression.

Xigbar was now advancing on Colbert, who was hiding behind the remains of his desk. The control box was still there, and the camera crew had retreated to this fortress, watching helplessly. "First the wrist, and now this," one of them murmured. "What has this earth come to?" They couldn't see what was happening, because they had hidden underneath the desks.

Xigbar opened a portal. Instead of going through it, he reached his hand in.

"Oh, so that's what he wanted the grizzly bear cub for," Demyx declared, leaning back, shaking his head and laughing.

"He asked you to get him a grizzly bear cub?" Zexion asked, amused.

"Why did he ask you?" Marluxia said suspiciously, having just heard a rumor that Xigbar was with Demyx.

Demyx shrugged. "He said I was the best one for the job!" Demyx chirped happily.

"Meaning he wouldn't figure it out," Xemnas muttered out of the side of his mouth to Xaldin, who nodded knowingly.

"C'mon," Kit was pleading as Xigbar rummaged through the portal like it was a closet of stuff. "Just a hint?"

Luxord chuckled. "Let's just say that it involves a lemon meringue pie and an empty bottle." He turned back to Xigbar, leaving Kit to her thoughts. She leaned back, perplexed, and tried to figure out what the wager could be.

Xigbar had finally found the grizzly cub, and pulled it out of the portal. "Aha!" he said, triumphant.

Colbert cowered. "Oh, it's so cute and fuzzy," he gushed. "And evil!" he shouted.

The grizzly cub blinked its eyes, looking around. It was just a scrap of fur. Fur and teeth. Xigbar set it down gently. Wobbling to its feet, the cub tottered towards Colbert.

"No!" he cried. "Stay away. Stay away!"

The cameras, now hanging forlornly without cameramen to operate them, suddenly all swung downward. The television audience got a lovely view of the floor, while listening to Colbert screaming as if in extreme agony. Only the Organization, Kit, and Parker saw what really happened, and they certainly weren't telling.

Finally, Kit ran up behind a camera and pulled it into position, training it on Xigbar and Colbert. The grizzly cub was gone, and Colbert was sobbing brokenly on the ground. Actually, he was saying, "Oh, my ankle! I have injured my ankle very badly!"

Xigbar scoffed. "Put me on your idiotic board so we can leave," he said.

Jimmy, overhearing the order, sent out a cameraman with the board. The cameraman wheeled it out quickly, and then ran back to the sanctum of the control box. Xigbar's form lit up, and the board was completed.

The Organization opened a group portal, preparing to leave. Curious audience members were opening their bunker doors, and more than a few were sadly waving goodbye.

Xigbar paused and turned around. "You know what," he said thoughtfully. "I just might kill you after all."

Parker didn't think about his actions. He only knew that if Colbert was dead, then their source of idiotic amusement in violence would come to an end. He thrust his hand into his bag and pulled out the first thing he found. Unfortunately, it was not the tranquilizer gun he was aiming for. It was, instead, the toothbrush.

Desperate, he threw it at Xigbar. By extreme luck, it hit Xigbar in his good eye. "My eye!" he screamed, taking the toothbrush and smashing it beneath his foot. "I'm leaving before anything else bad happens! I've had it!"

"Hey! Xiggy!" Xigbar turned around to see Colbert standing up, his ankle injury gone. "What do you say to a follow-up meeting in about a month, eh? All of you come on the show and we reminisce on the fun times we had." He gave them a big grin.

"They accept," Kit told him, an unholy grin on her face. "See you there."

"Great!" Colbert beamed. Before any of them could protest, Kit pushed the Organization through the portal, and they disappeared.

The World That Never Was

"What did you do that for?" Zexion asked Kit. "Now we have to go back to that place again."

"A place that holds nothing but bad memories for us," Luxord said in a surprisingly dull and bleak voice.

"But first," Parker said, the only one unfazed by Kit's agreement, "we have a score to settle."

"That we do," Xigbar said with a grin. The entire Organization, minus Xemnas, Saix, Roxas, and Axel, grouped together. They stared at Axel with an intensity. They stared at Axel with an intensity that burned horribly.

"I have no idea what's going on," he said nervously, "but I don't like it."

"But how can he prove it?" Xaldin was asking the group.

"That's a good point," Luxord said thoughtfully, "he could just fake it. How can we be sure?"

"Sure of what?" Roxas asked bemusedly.

"Axel." Parker's firm voice caught his attention. "Are you, or are you not, gay?"

Axel blinked. "What!?" he shouted, throwing his arms into the air. "That's the big question?"

"Yes!" everyone chorused, leaning forward in anticipation.

"Why were you betting on my being gay or not?" Axel demanded, outraged.

"Because it's so painfully obvious that you're gay," Larxene drawled, "and we wanted to prove it to everyone else in the Organization."

"But I'm not gay!"

"Denial won't help you now," Marluxia tutted. "If you want us to believe you're not gay, you'll have to prove it."

"How?"

The Organization put their brilliant (well, mostly brilliant) minds to the task. One by one, they started staring at Kit. Kit started when she realized they were all looking at her, and figured out what they wanted.

"No way in hell," she said, being very calm and mature. She proceeded to explain why there was, in fact, no way in hell that she was going to do what they wanted her to.

"Put the chair down, Kit!" Parker cried, hanging onto the chair back for dear life as Kit waved it, and him, around in the air, shouting like a lunatic.

"C'mon, Ki," Luxord pleaded.

"Why can't Larxene?" Kit asked sullenly, crossing her arms.

"She doesn't count," Xigbar told her, earning himself a slap in the face. "Please."

Axel was watching Kit and Xigbar like it was a tennis match. His face was unreadable. Luckily, we can see into his thoughts.

_They think I'm GAY!_

_Are they right? Wow, I can't believe I don't know whether or not I'm gay._

_Is Roxas gay?_

"Of course not," Roxas said, and Axel realized he had been speaking out loud. "Yes, you were speaking out loud," Roxas added. Damn it! "Don't cuss, Axel."

_I don't THINK I'm gay. I mean, I've only kissed a guy on accident once, and it was dark. . . . And the guy had long hair! I mean, come on._

While Axel was having this tortured inner/outer struggle, Xigbar was still trying to convince Kit to let Axel kiss her.

"How are you sure that will prove anything, anyway?" she demanded crossly.

Zexion stepped forward. "I can tell if he means it or he's just faking," he said calmly.

Parker blinked. "Gaydar?" he questioned seriously, causing the author to face-vault. When Zexion nodded solemnly, the author started to bang her head on the keyboard.

_No, I'm not gay, right? I mean, yeah, there was that thing with Roxas when he first got here. And there was that one time with Luxord. But we were drunk! Aand there was that night with Demyx. . . . But I wasn't thinking straight then._

_I mean, just think of all the girls I've dated! There was Cheryl, for starters. And you can't forget Alicia and Lucile, the twins. Of course, usually I've been drunk then, too. . . ._

_You know how weird it would be if I were both?_

"Very weird," Roxas agreed. "And also mildly disturbing."

As Axel soul-searched, Xigbar had finally convinced (sort of) Kit to do the experiment. Curious readers should note that munny exchanged hands during this conversation. Everyone turned and looked expectantly at Axel, who was muttering to himself, standing next to Roxas.

"I think I've figured it out!" Axel declared, lifting his head up.

"Good for you," Marluxia said impatiently.

Axel walked up to Kit and kissed her. Everyone turned to look at Zexion now. "He's straight," Zexion said in a smug voice, looking at the two of them.

Kit pushed Axel away from her. "Xigbar said I get to kill you now," she said with a menacing glow in her eye, but Axel had already turned away from her. He walked right up to Roxas and kissed him.

"He's gay," Zexion said in a stunned voice.

Axel pulled away from his shocked best friend and declared, "I'm bi!"

There was a stunned silence. "So now what happens?" someone muttered.

"Everyone was wrong," Luxord said lowly, "so everyone has to pay the wager."

There was a simultaneous groan. Xemnas and Saix, feeling superior for getting out of having to pay The Wager, left the room.

"So what's the wager?" Kit demanded, angry at having to pay it but wanting to know all the same.

"I'll play," Axel offered, and after some sharp pokes in the gut Roxas offered, too.

"It's a game?" Parker said, confused.

Luxord grinned devilishly. "Let's go to The Wager Room, guys," he said, and he opened a portal. Kit and Parker stepped through hesitantly.

At least she would find out what the lemon meringue pies were for.

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Dun dun dun! Well? How was it?

Demyx: It was horrible. Making Axel bisexual was cheating!

Crow: How is it cheating? I never said they couldn't vote for him to be bi, it's just that none of them did. Next chapter is The Wager, and the chapter after that, the final one, will be the "closure on the set" at the Colbert Report. You didn't think I'd just abandon you guys, did you? We're going to stretch this fic out as long as is humanly possible!


	14. The Wager

A/N: Hello, folks!

Demyx: -glower-

Xigbar: -glower-

Axel: -glower-

Crow: Why is everybody now glowering at me?

Demyx: Well, let's see. First off, you made us freakin' gay!

Xigbar: Yeah!

Axel: And I am NOT bisexual!

Crow: Denial ain't gonna help you guys.

Xigbar: -summons weapons-

Crow: -wide-eyed- Um, um. . . LOOK A MOUNTAIN LION!

Trio: Where?

Crow: -writes a mountain lion into existence-

While they're battling that, you can read the story. Please don't be mad at me, people who like Demyx and Xigbar straight. I like 'um straight, too, but a friend put the idea in my head and what can I say, it got stuck.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way shape or form. I do not own Stephen Colbert or the Colbert Report. I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or Douglas Adams. I do not own any real world references. That is all.

Also, there is some slightly more mature stuff in here, so just reminding folks that it is rated T for Teen.

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The Wager Room was full of lemon meringue pies. Seriously, it was stacked ceiling high with the delicious dessert. The scent of lemon and pie crust made Parker wrinkle his nose in disgust.

"Will someone now explain the rules?" Kit demanded.

"I wish we'd done our other usual wager," Marluxia complained, sitting down in front of an empty bottle. "It's a lot more interesting."

"Being locked in a closet with Axel for two hours is _not _interesting," Larxene snarled, and the other Organization members murmured assent.

"I dunno," Demyx said, a goofy smile on his face. "The other usual wager isn't so bad."

Everyone turned and stared at either Demyx or Xigbar. Kit gave Luxord a questioning look. "It was also with a bottle," Luxord explained. "The two victims – I mean, participants – were locked together in a closet for two hours. Then we did another pair, and so on until everyone had a 'turn.'" He looked at Demyx. "Demyx was in the closet with Xigbar last time." Xaldin edged away from Demyx ever so slightly.

Kit shuddered. "Don't wanna know," she said vehemently.

"So how does this one work?" Parker asked.

"Well, it's a similar concept to Spin the Bottle," Axel said, sitting down as well. Everyone else sat down, too, forming a circle around the bottle. "The spinner gets to hit the spinnee with a lemon meringue pie. Then the spinnee gets to retaliate in whatever way they feel is appropriate."

"Why do I get the feeling this usually ends in some form of bloodshed?" Kit groaned.

"Nobodies don't bleed, stupid," Xaldin retorted. "But we do get heavily injured. And yes, that's usually what happens."

Xigbar gave a dagger grin. "Who goes first, then?" he said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Volunteers? No, none? Well, I suppose I'll go." He reached down, setting the bottle into motion with a flick of his wrist.

The Organization watched the bottle silently as it rattled to a stop, pointing dead center at . . . Axel.

"Yes!" Xigbar shouted, punching a fist in the air. He picked up a lemon meringue pie and aimed it carefully. "This is for making me lose my sanity by setting the set on fire!" He launched the pie.

Axel blinked as the pie hit his face, not reacting at first. He calmly wiped the delicious dessert out of his eyes. Then, with a savage yell, he summoned his chakrams and leapt across the circle, knocking Xigbar to the ground.

After a few minutes, Luxord pulled a whistle out of his cloak and blew it twice, sharply. Axel got off Xigbar, panting, and retreated to his seat. Demyx was glaring at Axel angrily, but didn't say anything.

"The spinnee has a time limit in which to retaliate," Lexaeus explained to Parker and Kit.

Axel wiped some more pie from his face and reached down to the bottle. He set it spinning, and then leaned back, watching it avidly.

"He really got into that retaliation, if you know what I mean," Marluxia said exaggeratedly, nudging Larxene with his elbow. She laughed.

Axel scowled. "I'm never gonna live this down," he groaned. Roxas, in the process of scooting away from his recently-discovered-to-be-bisexual friend, said, "You got that right, bud."

The bottle stopped, pointing at Marluxia. Axel smirked. "Revenge is oh so sweet," he said, picking up a pie. "Especially when it's loaded with sugar and lemony goodness." He threw the pie with extreme accuracy, hitting Marluxia's face with such force that the meringue splattered over onto Larxene.

Larxene spluttered, a handful of kunai in her right hand. Luxord blew his whistle once. "You have to wait your turn, Larxene," he chided. "Go ahead, Marluxia."

The game quickly degenerated into a massive pie fight, with the circle split evenly in two. Kit and Parker, crouching behind an overturned table, shook their heads at one another. "The Organization really is immature," she confided.

"Yeah," Parker sighed. "But it can be pretty durn amusing."

Kit snorted. "I'll give you that one." They were silent for a moment. "Is it just me, or does this seem less funny to you somehow?" Kit asked suddenly.

Parker nodded wisely. "I think it's because the author's run out of Hitchhiker jokes, and can't come up with any original material of her own."

The fourth wall was, by now, accustomed to this treatment, and pretended to ignore them, when really, it was crying on the inside and would be emotionally scarred for life.

Finally, Luxord managed to calm down the Organization by blowing on his whistle repeatedly. Xaldin, in the process of strangling Marluxia, froze. The Organization had divided into the first five Organization members and the last five, with Luxord staying out of the affair for the most part.

"Okay, I think that's enough," Luxord said, laughing at the various states of pie coating the Organization members had. Even Parker and Kit had a healthy coating of meringue.

"The rumors were right," Larxene whispered, looking at a point over Luxord's shoulder. Everyone turned to look.

Xigbar and Demyx were both covered in pie, just like everyone else, but unlike everyone else, they were making out.

Axel whistled, but the pair gave no sign they'd heard other than Xigbar opened a portal. Still connected, the two of them managed to make it through the portal, and they vanished, leaving behind a heavy silence.

Parker blinked. "Yep, definitely insane," he decided. "We'd better get out of here. Is insanity catching?" He looked concerned at the notion.

"Yeah, we'd better get going," Kit said, clapping Zexion on the back, sending meringue flying everywhere. Zexion shrugged and opened a portal for the two non-Nobodies.

Parker stepped through the portal first, eager to get rid of the pie. Kit put one foot in the portal, and then turned around to look at the pie-covered Organization. "Tell Xigbar I'm looking forward to that meeting on the Report in a month," she said with a laugh. "I'm sure it will be – interesting."

The Organization let out a unified groan as she disappeared. One month, and then they would face the Colbert man again. . . .

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A/N: Well?

Demyx: Now that the mountain lion is dead, we will kill you!

Crow: -cringes- I said I was sorry! It's not even a big plot line, it's just a little side story!

Xigbar: -attacks-

Crow: Eep! Zexion, save me!

Zexion: -looks up from book- You're on your own, Crow.

Please, no flames!


	15. Reunion

A/N: Wow, this one's really long.

Demyx: Yeah, it looks like you actually put some effort into it.

Crow: Hey, thanks. Hey!

Xigbar: That's what you get, you gay-ifier!

Crow: What is that? Is that even a word?

Demyx: Hurry up and get on with the story.

Crow: Okay, you asked for it. . . .

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts I, CoM, or II in any way shape or form. I do not own Stephen Colbert or the Colbert Report. I do not own any real world references. That is all.

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They had had a month for the dust to settle. Many things had happened in those thirty days. Sets had been renovated, new ties had been bought. People had kissed. Sexualities had been uncovered. And pie was revealed as an essential factor in Nobody politics.

But the thirty days of rest were over, and now came Judgment Day. The Day when the entire Organization would be on the set with Stephen Colbert, _at the same time._ People flocked to the set, some camping out in line as far as two weeks in advance.

Kit and Parker had been enjoying a nice, month-long vacation with their friend, Ravensong. The trio had spent the month in another dimension, where police boxes could fly through time and space, and sexy men called David Tennant chased giant pepper pots around. But that is a story for another day.

On this, the Day That Was Feared, the Organization woke up with a sense of doom in the pit of their – what would you call it, non-hearts? We'll go with that one. Now, where was I? Oh yes. With a sense of doom in the pit of their non-hearts.

"The narrator's really going overboard today, huh?" Roxas remarked, sending ripples through the cosmos and triggering a massive civil war in the distant past. Again, not today's story.

A handful of the original Organization members were in the kitchen already when Axel stumbled in. Lexaeus was cooking some breakfast. "Oh, gods," Axel moaned, collapsing in a chair. "Just kill me now."

"Okay," Xigbar said, whipping out a gun and pressing it to Axel's neck.

"I was just kidding!" Axel exclaimed, alarmed. "I don't really want to die."

"Where's everybody else?" Xaldin asked, looking around. "The rest of the Organization?"

"They're sleeping in," Axel said from his chair. "The only reason I got up early was so I could see Roxas when he comes in. He's been avoiding me, like, all month."

"Maybe because he found out you're gay?" Vexen said, chuckling.

"That's bisexual to you!" Axel exclaimed, stabbing a finger in Vexen's general direction. "And I'm not gonna jump on him or anything. We're still friends."

Half an hour later, the other Organization members started to trickle in. Xigbar was afraid that some of them were plotting something during the interview. Well, he wasn't going to save Colbert this time. Colbert was on his own.

Colbert Report set:

Stephen Colbert straightened his tie nervously. "I must have been insane," he said out loud. "Completely, utterly insane, to invite them _back_."

"Yup," Jimmy offered.

"Hey, look at it this way," Billy suggested. "After this, you can make them dead to you and never have to mention them again."

Colbert began to slowly smile. "That's not a bad idea. I'm glad I came up with it."

"But I was the one wh-," Billy began to say angrily. Jimmy shushed him.

"Just let it go, kid," Jimmy said knowingly. "Just let it go."

Meanwhile, the interns were feeding their rabbits. "Okay, so we need a plan, guys," one unnamed intern said nervously, rubbing his rabbit under the chin.

"I agree, unnamed intern," another intern agreed. "A plan to protect ourselves when Organization XIII comes."

"Why not surround ourselves with our bunnies?" suggested a slightly less rabbit-loving intern.

There was immediate resistance. "Don't let them hurt our bunnies!" cried an intern, wrapping his arms around his floppy-eared, brown rabbit.

"But the red-haired pyro is afraid of bunnies," an intern said, revelation making his eyes light up, his voice catching in excitement. "So why don't we just threaten the pyro with our rabbits if he doesn't get the rest of them to leave us alone?"

"Because we're interns," an intern reminded him, flicking her hair back. "And interns don't threaten the lives of people."

"We can still try!" the intern said angrily, ruffling the ears of his snowy white bunny.

"Okay, then," whispered the lead intern, glancing around to see if anyone was listening in. "Here's the plan. . . ."

Back at the Castle That Never Was:

Demyx walked in next, and sat down next to Xigbar. "Mor-mor-mooorning," he yawned, blinking sleepily. "Is everybody r-reaaady for the intervieeeeew…." He trailed off, leaning against Xigbar tiredly.

Marluxia and Larxene came in afterwards, followed by Saix. The trio sat down quietly, reflecting on their horrible experiences with Colbert. Saix in particular. He was still banned from the set, and yet invited to come at the same time. He was very confused by these conflicting messages.

"Roxas!" Axel cried, standing up.

"Axel," Roxas said, looking alarmed and edging behind Luxord slightly. "Hey, I haven't seen you in ages."

"Yeah," Axel said, laughing. "Except for that time two weeks ago, when you saw me and ran away and hid under the staircase like you did when you first got here."

"Yeah," Roxas said, looking like he wanted to run away again.

"Look, Rox," Axel said seriously. "I'm not going to let my sexuality ruin our friendship."

Marluxia and Larxene burst out laughing. "The way you said that!" Marluxia howled. "That was priceless!"

"I must say, I've never heard those words in that order," Larxene added, still grinning.

Roxas looked slightly relieved. "Why didn't you say that in the first place?" he demanded.

"You wouldn't let me!" Axel replied, exasperated. "You kept running away and hiding in Larxene's closet!"

"Pyro say what now?" Larxene asked, her expression suddenly terrifying.

"Um, nothing," Axel said nervously, edging backwards. "Run, Roxas!" he shouted, and the two best friends bolted out the door.

"Be ready to go at nine o'clock!" Xigbar called after them.

"We're taking the gummi, aren't we?" Luxord inquired.

"Yes," Vexen offered from his chair. "We can't form such a large portal between our two worlds, so we're taking the gummi."

"Shotgun," Marluxia declared.

"No way," Luxord shot back. "I'm riding shotgun."

"I'm working the weapons," Xigbar declared, stretching.

Half an hour later, the majority of the Organization was piled in the gummi ship. "Why are we leaving early?" Demyx complained, squished in the back seat between Luxord and Xaldin. Marluxia smirked at everyone triumphantly from the copilot chair.

"We have to pick up Kit and Parker," Xemnas called from the pilot's chair, "because their ship broke down."

Axel and Roxas dashed in the gummi ship as the door was closing, laughing and panting for breath. Larxene jumped on at the last possible second, snarling. "Save it for Colbert," Xigbar ordered. "Everyone strap in; we're leaving."

It took fifteen minutes to find the homeworld of Kit and Parker. "No, I swear it's behind the Little Mermaid world," Zexion insisted, sitting in the navigator's chair, close to Xemnas, and reading the map.

"There it is," Xemnas said, pointing to the world. It was actually round, and was a tie-dye of blues, greens, browns, and whites. They landed quickly, in front of Kit's house.

"Wow, crowded much?" Kit remarked, clambering in. "Where do we sit?"

"It wouldn't be your problem if your ship hadn't broken," Xigbar pointed out.

"That's super cool remote to you," Parker retorted, finding a narrow space between Marluxia and Luxord. Kit sat down between Axel and Xaldin.

"We're going to be late," Demyx pointed out.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Xigbar chuckled, closing the door anyway.

Ten minutes later, they landed on Stephen Colbert's world. Apprehensively, the whole Organization sat down at the large table that had been brought in for the occasion, and waited. Kit and Parker took seats in the audience, quivering with excitement. It had begun.

Stephen Colbert:

They were here. Colbert licked his lips nervously. Hopefully his plan would work out. Although, in all likelihood, it wouldn't, he could still hope, right?

"All right, folks," he said, changing subjects. "It's been a month since I graced the Organization with my presence, and now we've got them all here. But, as you all know, we have some – ahem – differences in opinions?" The crowd chuckled. "So, here all the way from his studio just down the hall, here to be the mediator for this reunion, please help me welcome John Stewart!"

The crowd was shocked, but recovered quickly, cheering madly. Someone shouted, "I love you, John Stewart!" Stewart accepted the proclamation with a wave of his hand, grinning.

"Let's go meet the gang, John," Colbert said, running over to the large table.

"Who's the new guy?" Demyx whispered loudly.

"Dunno," Xigbar whispered back. "Why not ask him, dude?"

"I'm John Stewart, and I'm the exact opposite of Stephen here," Stewart confessed, holding his hand out to shake Xemnas' hand. The Organization relaxed a little.

"So, let's get this started, eh?" Colbert said, almost grinning. He and Stewart sat down at one end of the oval table, facing the Organization.

"Let's start off with having you all tell us a little bit about yourselves," Stewart suggested. The Organization exchanged looks and shrugged.

"I'm Xemnas, and I'm the leader of the Organization," Xemnas started. "I'm very powerful and I hate Stephen Colbert." Colbert blinked.

"I'm Xigbar," Xigbar offered. "I'm a sniper, and I have been sober for – um, three hours."

"Hi, Xigbar," the audience said blandly.

"Oh, and also, I'm Californian, homosexual, and I hate Stephen Colbert." Colbert blinked again. He felt a sinking feeling in his chest. Uh-oh.

"I'm Xaldin," Xaldin grumbled from the far side of the table, the one farthest from the audience. "I have sentient sideburns and lances, and I enjoy watching the neophytes beat one another up. Also, I hate Stephen Colbert."

"I am Vexen," Vexen stated clearly. "I am a scientist, and I like experimenting in my lab. I hate Stephen Colbert."

"I'm Lexaeus," Lexaeus rumbled. "I like cooking and reading Russian novels, and I don't like, but am forced to, rebuild the Castle when the neophytes beat one another up for Xaldin's amusement. I hate Stephen Colbert as well."

"Zexion," Zexion said lazily, waving a hand in greeting. "You don't need to know anything about me."

"We don't need to know anything about you," the audience repeated in a brainwashed manner.

"In conclusion, I hate Stephen Colbert," Zexion finished.

"Saix," Saix said. "I hate Stephen Colbert." He didn't say anything else, but glared with murderous intent at Colbert and the audience.

"I'm Axel, got it memorized?" Axel said, grinning. "I like setting things on fire -,"

"We noticed," called Jimmy, who was still upset over his set being burned.

Axel laughed. "My best friend is Roxas, and I hate Stephen Colbert." He had been smiling until the last part, but when he reached the phrase 'I hate' he dropped the smile and spoke in a dead-pan.

"I'm Demyx," Demyx said happily. "I love to play music on my sitar, and I love swimming, and I love Xigbar!" Xigbar ducked his head, embarrassed. "And I hate Stephen Colbert." He made it sound like the best thing in the world.

"Hello, all," Luxord said. "My name's Luxord, and I've been sober for about five minutes, yeah? Anyway, I love gambling and playing card games, as the Organization knows, and I hate Stephen Colbert. Obviously."

"My name's Marluxia," Marluxia said. "I like gardening and trying to overthrow the Orga – I mean, trying to kill Axel. ("Sounds like a love-hate relationship to me," Xigbar whispered to Xaldin, who snickered.) I hate Stephen Colbert."

Colbert groaned and buried his face in his hands briefly. He wondered what else could go wrong.

"I'm Larxene," Larxene yawned. "I've got the lightning element, I'm the only girl in the Organization, and I love torturing people. I hate Stephen Colbert, but I'm being very calm about it, Parker," she added warningly, and Parker sat back down, putting away the dead fish.

"Roxas," Roxas said simply. "My name is Roxas. Not Sora, not BHK. Roxas. Got it? Moving on. Keyblade wielder, love sea salt ice cream, et cetera, et cetera. Seriously, my name is Rox-as. Is that so hard?"

"Oo-kay," Stewart said, moving his brows up and down a couple times. "Just a few more things to tie up this reunion. I'm going to ask a question, and Stephen here will give you his version. You can answer either version. First question: Did anything unusual happen in the month you were recovering from interviews? Stephen, your version?"

"Okay, so who came out of the closet this time?" Colbert said frankly.

"Axel did," Roxas muttered.

"Interesting," Colbert said, grinning. "Anyone else?"

"Xigbar and Demyx," the Organization chorused, on a roll now. Demyx blushed angrily, embarrassed.

"Anything else you would care to mention?" Stewart asked, turning to Colbert for his version.

"Why haven't you tried to kill me yet?" Colbert demanded, slapping his chest. "I can take it, lay it on me!"

The Organization exchanged glances again. "Last time to work out our issues," Axel said, shrugging.

"Sounds good," Vexen agreed.

"Get him!" Larxene snarled, lightning sparking in her hair.

The screen briefly went black. Cries of "No, not the face!" and "Ooh, that had to hurt" and "John, do something! They're like vicious piranhas!" echoed.

"Don't attack me," someone insisted.

"Okay, I think that's good," someone said. "Let's let up, guys."

"All right," someone relented. The screen came back on. Colbert was covered in burn marks, icy patches, and was soaking wet. His clothes were in ribbons. Stewart's tie was askew, and his hair was ruffled, but otherwise, he was fine.

"Y'know, I think I worked out all my anger issues," Larxene commented.

"Y'know what else?" Axel added. The Organization looked at him. "We should go on a blind, murderous rampage throughout this studio, causing wanton destruction! Whaddaya say, audience?"

The audience cheered, scrambling into their bunkers eagerly.

And so it began.

Stewart ducked Saix's claymore, which had been tossed across the room and was stuck on the far wall, quivering. "Now this is exciting," he said, his eyes glowing.

Axel began shaking the control box gleefully. The interns inside cowered next to camera crewmen and the director. "Time to put our plan in to action," the lead intern cried. "Take your bunnies and be free, my brethren!"

As the interns pelted out the quivering control box, one cameraman rolled his eyes to his buddy. "Why are the interns so dramatic?" he complained. "Why don't we get any dialogue?"

"Because we get paid instead," his friend pointed out.

"Point," he said thoughtfully. "That's a good point."

Kit and Parker dodged clumps of dirt and dagger lightning with ease, wearing twin grins. "Out with a bang, eh?" Parker remarked.

Meanwhile, the intern's plan was being put into action. The interns formed a wedge, with their rabbits held close to their chests like shields. Letting out war cries, they charged straight for Axel, who saw them coming and froze.

"NO!" he cried out, quickly surrounded by rabbits and their twitching noses. He shivered in fear.

"If you don't keep us from beying destroy-ed," an intern from another country said with an accent, "then we wyll be beying covering you wif our bunnies. Understooderized?"

"Did you learn English from our president?" another intern exclaimed, astonished. "That's not even English! That's Bushglish!"

Stewart and Colbert cowered underneath the large desk as Luxord and Xaldin taunted Colbert. "Notice that they're leaving me alone," Stewart crowed, looking at Colbert. He looked around wildly, though, as he started to shrink. "Where am I going?"

"You're coming with me," a Congressman's voice echoed.

"I knew he had access to a pocket dimension!" Colbert cried, scrambling out from the table and staring at the ceiling, holding up his clenched fists. "Kucinich!"

"I think he's finally gone mad," Xaldin whispered.

"We'd better get going soon," Luxord whispered back, "before something really bad happens."

He and Xaldin ran over to Xemnas, who was happily tearing up some of Colbert's papers. "Colbert's losing it," Luxord reported.

"So?" Xemnas retorted. He ripped up a phone book. "I'm having fun."

"Doctor Who comes on in ten minutes," Xaldin wheedled.

"Okay, let's go," Xemnas said, dropping the shredded phone book. He walked straight up to where half the Organization was terrorizing the delighted crowd. "WE'RE LEAVING!" Xemnas bellowed. Saix came and stood behind him, and the Organization meekly stopped.

Roxas ran over and rescued Axel from the rabbit-ridden interns. The Organization faced Colbert.

"We'd better get going now," Xemnas said.

"Why?" Larxene whined. "I'm having fun."

"Doctor Who," Luxord and Xaldin chorused. The Organization blinked simultaneously, and disappeared together. They took Doctor Who very seriously.

Colbert took a few minutes to gather his thoughts. "Someone make sure John's all right," he called, wondering what Kucinich had done, and why he hadn't taken Colbert with him, as well. "Well, the joke's on you, Organization," Colbert said, catching his train of thought. "Because you've been Better Known!"

The audience cheered wildly, although there were some people disappointed that there hadn't been any real action. The whole audience was soaked, though, and on section had scorch marks on their clothes. Another section was blinking ice from their eyelashes, and a third section had a healthy coating of earth.

On the Organization's ship, there was a feeling of closure. "I still think we should've blown up the set," Axel argued.

"We agreed not to kill the audience," Luxord countered, taking a swig from a beer bottle. "Besides, if we have to, we can just make him a Nobody."

"Yeah," Axel sighed. "Well, back to our boring lives, eh?"

"Boring?" the Organization chorused. "Since when have our lives been boring?" Larxene demanded.

"Well, we'll never be Better Known again," Demyx sighed.

"And thank God for that," Xigbar muttered. "I might commit suicide."

"I've still got the feeling we forgot something," Axel said thoughtfully.

Back on the set, Kit and Parker were stomping out angrily. "I can't believe they left us stranded on this planet!" Kit shrieked.

"'Song won't have the remote working for at least a week!" Parker agreed angrily, his eyes narrow.

"What are we going to do?" Kit demanded, spinning on the spot.

"Vegas?" Parker suggested. Kit froze.

"Okay, Vegas," she agreed.

Two weeks later, Colbert heard whispers of a pair of teenagers winning millions in Vegas.

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End file.
